Why Men Fear Relationships – The Unspoken Secret

Most men I coach want a relationship. Usually they are happier when they are in one. They like to have someone to do things with, they like to have regular se*, they enjoy feeling se*y, they like the connection and they like the love. But here’s where it gets tricky. They like the love, but have you ever noticed men seem afraid of it too?

What makes so many men fear love? Well, in my experience, men that I coach, ultimately tell me the same thing – deep down, they fear rejection.

Rejection is part of the secret.

REJECTION

When I tell women this they usually let out a comment: “;Oh please, give me a break.”; And that reaction is part of the problem. I know, I used to think that too.

Men fear rejection in a way that most women don’t comprehend. After all, the man is expected to be the pursuer. So he pursues and it looks like he gets what he wants and then he withdraws. Why does he pull back and withdraw just when things are starting to get really close?

Men are afraid of rejection. Deep down a man may think he’s not worthy, and he makes sure he isn’t worthy so that he doesn’t have to deal with his fear of intimacy and rejection.

WHY ARE MEN AFRAID OF INTIMACY AND REJECTION

Some men grow up without love and are afraid. They may not have had a good model for how to be in a loving, committed, intimate relationship.

And the BIG thing I uncovered is that men feel unworthy at their core. They feel unlovable. And if they feel unlovable, do you think they want a woman they really like to see that? No way! So when things get too close they will pull back or sabotage.

And often the reason the men I coach feel unworthy and unlovable has to do with one big unspoken thing: SHAME — the unspoken secret.

John Bradshaw, in his book “Healing the Shame that Binds You”, defines shame as “feeling defective and flawed.”; And if you think or feel you are defective and flawed, there is no possibility for repair.

What are some typical circumstances that cause a man to feel shame?

Maybe his father or mother criticized him at a crucial age; maybe he was told he was stupid or ugly; maybe his father was very successful and he never felt he could measure up; maybe he was spanked or yelled at in front of other kids when he misbehaved; or he had a learning disability. Most of us have experiences in our past that caused us to feel ashamed.

And once that shame ball gets rolling it’s hard to stop. Men and women hide their feelings of shame and often isolate themselves or choose other behaviors that will guarantee they don’t get involved in intimate relationships.

Shame is a secret. We don’t talk about feeling ashamed. We just carry it with us, secretly.

And here’s another piece of information that John Bradshaw shared in his book “Healing the Shame that Binds You”:rejection, to people with shame, feels like annihilation. Annihilate means “to destroy completely.” Men can feel like they will be annihilated, completely destroyed if they get rejected. So there is no way, with that feeling, they are going to risk rejection and get annihilated.

Men will make excuses about their finances, careers or fitness to avoid relationships.

Better for a man to say: “When I get my finances in order, then I’ll be ready for a committed relationship.” That way he doesn’t have to risk being annihilated. Remember, he thinks he is unlovable and unworthy at his core.

HOW TO MOVE BEYOND FEAR

So what can men do to get beyond this fear so they can have the love and intimacy that they really do desire?

I’ve found three things to be crucial: boundaries, self-love and forgiveness.

Men need to set good boundaries to feel safe, to risk being intimate.

They need to learn to love themselves so they can love a woman and be free.

Forgiveness is crucial – both of yourself and others. It’s not about condoning bad behavior, it is about “For Giving love to yourself and others.”

So if you are in a relationship, or for your next relationship, with a good man, remember to cut him some slack. If he’s afraid of intimacy, he might really be afraid of rejection, or worse, annihilation.

Don’t think because a man acts confident, poised or in control, that he isn’t afraid. Some men are better at covering up their fears than others.

As a goddess, you can help ease those fears. As goddesses, we hold the keys to love, compassion, passion, playfulness, and most important of all, femininity. So honor his boundaries, encourage him to love himself, and model forgiveness by forgiving him when he gets scared.

imagine the possibilities…..

© Carol Chanel