Why Are Fabulous Women Single?

This weekend I was lucky enough to attend a clients’ engagement party. So many of my clients live outside of my home in Los Angeles that I don’t get to celebrate with them in-person. So this was a real treat for me on many levels.

To see my client happy and so filled with love for herself and her fiancé moved me to tears – after the party. She is marrying a good man who absolutely loves, adores and regards her. For more of her story go to my website on the home page and listen to her interview (the link will be at the end of this ezine.)

Women often come to coaching because they want to have a passionate, fun and healthy romantic relationship and they want that relationship to lead to marriage.

I’ve been blessed over the years to work with amazing women, many of whom have found themselves in a situation that they didn’t prefer – being single. I was there once myself.

One common thing in all these women was blocking their way to romance and relationship. Once they work on it they change and so does their relationship status.

Who Are These Single Women?

Before I tell you what they all have in common and how to change it, I want to tell you who these women are. See if you recognize yourself.

They are all attractive, smart, fun, successful, s*xy, well-dressed, mostly between 30 and 50 years old, independent, adventurous and have a great sense of humor. They treat people kindly, make good friends and companions, and are socially adept.

What Is Blocking Their Way To Love?

So if these great women aren’t in a relationship and want to be, then what is keeping them out of a relationship?

It is FEAR!

Now I can hear women all over the world who read this ezine saying, “no, I’m not afraid, it’s the men who are afraid.” That’s partly true, and the other part is that women are afraid too.

Why Are Women Afraid?

So why are women afraid? The fear feels real and it’s understandable. And we also want to keep in mind that fear is an illusion. The letters in the word FEAR stand for: False Expectations Appearing Real.

The two reasons women are afraid are:

True intimacy is scary because you’re vulnerable

Most women have had, at least, one experience of a bad relationship. And that experience left them wounded and feeling badly about themselves.

Now the truth is if you grew up in a very healthy family where you were loved unconditionally and were parented by superhuman, trained parents and everyone you encountered when you were growing up was healthy, you would shake off a bad relationship probably within a few months.

But since almost none of us had that experience growing up, then we have wounds to begin with, and then a bad relationship can be devastating.

So women end up thinking they did something wrong or something is wrong with them. And that’s a LIE! There are men out there who are unhealthy, probably wounded from childhood or their teen years who really don’t like themselves. They are victims who become the victimizers.

Women, after experiencing a bad relationship, can come through it with the help of a good therapist. The therapist can help a women rebuild her self-esteem.

But then after the self-esteem rebuilding, how do you trust that you won’t have the same bad experience again and end up shaken or shattered?

Fear is behind the lack of trust, and fear is the insidious obstacle that blocks you from having what you want – a healthy relationship. Remember, though fear is an illusion, it’s a projection into the future of something bad happening – again.

Here’s the pattern I notice with women. After working through the major self-esteem issues of a bad relationship, many women still believe their egos’ commentary. It’s the voice that says you aren’t tall enough, smart enough, s*xy enough, slim enough, successful enough, independent enough and on the list goes. These aren’t major self-esteem issues, just ego commentary. And that commentary can keep you from having a relationship. In fact, it becomes a great way to avoid a relationship. It serves the purpose of keeping you safe from getting hurt again.

And what you aren’t looking at is your fear. And as I said your fear is understandable. You want to be compassionate with yourself. And you don’t want to give into it – it’s what is keeping you from having what you want – a loving, committed relationship.

Now before you dismiss this or say I don’t know what I’m talking about, let me tell how I know all this – I went through it. I thought I was unattractive, my hands were too old looking, my skin was too wrinkled, I wasn’t smart enough, and I was too intense.

And after I worked through both my self-esteem issues and my ego’s commentary in therapy and coaching, then what I was left with was my fear. Yes it came from some abusive situations in my childhood and adult years, but it was just my fear-based thinking (illusion) that had me believe it would happen again.

There wasn’t and isn’t anything wrong with me and there isn’t anything wrong with you. Can we all improve things? Sure! I learned to channel my intensity into my coaching sessions and my writing where it’s appropriate, and to be more carefree in social settings.

Then I had to deal with my fear of intimacy. And that fear can take your breath away.

So how do you admit your fear and then overcome it?

5 Steps To Overcome With Your Fear

First, stop comparing yourself to some magazine model, movie star, co-worker or friend. I live in Los Angeles and see ‘glamorous’ celebrities without all the lighting, makeup and special camera angles. They’re just regular women. Jennifer Aniston may have great hair but that didn’t keep her from dealing with a publicly humiliating divorce.

Stop saying that men want women who are – whatever you’re not. They don’t want that. They want the whole package. For more of what men want see my ezine from September 28th, “What Men Really Want In A Woman.”

Once you’ve stopped with all the self-dismissing and your supposed shortcomings, you’ll be left to look at what’s underneath – your fear.

FEAR – false expectations appearing real.

Second, you’re thinking that the past will repeat itself and you’ll be mistreated or rejected and end up feeling badly about yourself again. But you won’t. Why? Because this time you know what to look for. You know the signs and you won’t ignore them because you don’t want to go through the hurt again.
The man is mean to you – you’re gone. The man is dismissive of you in front of his friends – you’re gone. The man isn’t open and loving – you’re gone. The man hides in his work – you’re gone. You know now that all your good intentions, your kind loving heart won’t matter. People change when they are ready to change and not a second before that.

You won’t settle for a man with a closed heart. You won’t settle for a lack of connection. You don’t have to. You won’t settle for a man who doesn’t want to spend time with your family, or your friends. You won’t settle for a man who doesn’t call a few days ahead to ask you out. You won’t settle for a man who gets mad or manipulative if you don’t sleep with him. You won’t settle for a man who tries to control your time and life.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO SETTLE FOR ANY OF THOSE THINGS. EVER!!! There are good men out there who won’t intentionally hurt you. We all inadvertently hurt people. We don’t mean to and we do. That kind of hurt can be cleaned up and forgotten. The other kind of hurt needs to be forgiven, but not forgotten.

Third, you learn and implement boundaries, you pay attention to warning signs, and you don’t try to save a sad man with your love.

Love is scary because you’re vulnerable. And with the right person, you’ll walk together, step-by-step, down that path to full open-hearted love.

Fourth, give yourself a chance. Admit that you’re scared of making a mistake and being hurt again. Sometimes just admitting it sets us free. We can always deal with the known; it’s the unknown that undermines us.

Fifth, set an intention to attract a really good man into your life. One who is kind, open, loving, honest, and whatever else is important to you.

Then stay true to your intention, be positive and allow Divine Source to bring you the man you desire. Then receive him as the gift he is. Don’t allow the fear to block him. Stay hopeful and positive. He’s on his way. As Abraham says, “You get what you ask for every single time!”

If these steps worked for me – I’m married to an amazing man – and my clients, they will work for you.

Choose to trust yourself. Choose to realize who you’ve become – a Goddess.

Choose to listen to yourself and your intuition to guide you.

Choose to trust Source. You can set an intention to be protected.

Choose to know that you can have a loving romantic relationship with a healthy man who is also exciting.

Choose to quiet your fear with love. There are only two emotions love and fear. Choose love.

Imagine the possibilities….

© Carol Chanel