What Makes You Smile?

Last week after reading my ezine 5 Steps To Fulfilling Your Dreams a reader wrote and asked me “why the ego does what it does? Why does it exist?”

Great question. We know that the ego keeps us from our dreams. Stops our forward progress with its negative comments, fears and lies.

So looking at where it came from and why is a great way to move beyond its dominance and negative influence.

How The Ego Starts

In his book, “The Four Agreements,” Don Miguel Ruiz, shares with us his philosophy of domestication and how the judge (ego) comes into being.

You’re born a free spirit, totally connected to God / Source / Spirit. Whatever name you want to use. At birth you’re connected. You are as close as you will be for a long time.

You go through your first year being a helpless baby with everyone cooing over you. Yes your mother may put you down for a nap when you think you want to stay awake, but it’s usually not much worse than that.

Then as you begin to crawl and learn to walk and explore, mommy or daddy begin to put the brakes on you. Their job is to keep you safe. So they begin to put restrictions on you and set up boundaries and gates.

All of a sudden, instead of everyone cooing over you, they are scolding and expecting you to conform. Mommy and Daddy don’t seem to be quite so loving, unless you do it their way. In order to get their love and acceptance, you think to have to do it their way. But you’re still a little free spirit.

The truth is they will love you anyway but the messages are mixed and too complex for a young mind to grasp.

At that point, you learn what seems like conditional love. Instead of being a wild, free little being, you have to be a good or nice little boy or girl. You are in the process of becoming “domesticated.” I don’t know about you, but at this point I’m stomping my foot! I don’t want to be a nice little girl. I want to put my head in the stove and see what’s in there. But as fun as that stove looks, that love is pretty good too.

You also begin to lose the awareness of your connection to Source, it has become replaced with your connection to mommy and daddy. And mommy and daddy’s love is conditional. If you’re “good” they’ll love you. If you’re bad they’ll be unhappy. It’s a fine line, the child needs direction and discipline, but far too often that line is crossed and the child’s precious being is squashed by criticism.

Now your mind begins to reject the things you like and thinks that something is wrong with you. You are in the process of developing your own judge (ego) who criticizes you for everything you do wrong. And rarely offers praise when you do something right.

It builds and builds and usually by about 18 months you have decided everything you’re going to decide about yourself, based on your parents reactions to you.

To get love, you have to do it their way: which means there is something wrong with your way, which gets translated to there is something wrong with me. Or so you think. The judge / ego / the negative critical voice has arrived.

It’s a lie of course, there’s nothing wrong with you. Divine Source created you and so you’re perfect and precious.

You Are Actually Perfect and Precious

It’s just that you forgot that part about being perfect and precious. Then as the years go by the ego is the only voice you hear, because the heart has been shut down and overrun by the loud, mean, critical ego / judge. Wayne Dyer’s acronym for ego is “Edging God Out.”

You’ve forgotten you are connected to a Divine Source that brings you everything you want, that loves you and sees your perfection. You turn from that love. That wondrous magnificence that sees your magnificence because you are an extension of that magnificence.

You turn away from your ideas, the things you want to do and how you want to be. You reject your inner being and the things that put a smile on your face.

And you know why that is so devastating? Because you came here to do certain things and to do them your way. Not someone else’s way. Your way. I didn’t come here to be an accountant or a chef. You don’t want me doing your taxes or cooking you dinner.

Why Does The Ego Exist?

The ego exists or persists because you / we give it power. You listen to it, believe it and live by it. But it’s the negative voice in your head. The one that tells you that the only way to be happy is to be with someone, or to have a new car, or a better job or house. Or that you have to struggle, or do it all by yourself. Or you have to be perfect for someone to love you. Those are all lies.

The only way to be happy is to choose happiness.

It takes discipline, determination, and lots of patience to quiet the ego. It exists because at first you were unaware of it and then once you’re aware of it, you don’t quite know how to not give in to it.

The way to not give in to the ego is to not give it any power.To realize it’s trying to keep you safe by maintaining the status quo and keeping you feeling like you are disconnected from Source.

Once you realize that you were never disconnected from Source, that you are perfect and precious, life changes.

Reconnect to Things That Make You Smile

So take some time to get reconnected to the things that make you smile. Don’t listen to your judge / ego that will tell you all the things that will happen to you by not conforming. Just ignore it for now.

Do you want to go out and buy flowers and plant them in the ground? Or buy some finger paint and get messy and create something fun and silly? Do you want to go buy a wild red top or pair of shoes? Or get some red lipstick or paint your nails a wild shade of purple or fuchsia?

Maybe the idea of something that puts a smile on your face is reading a novel you’ve always wanted to read but didn’t give yourself permission to read, or going to the mountains or beach for some quiet time. Or learning to play the guitar or taking a writing class. Maybe you just want to take a nap on Sunday afternoon.

The only requirement is that it put a smile on your face. Begin by doing something every week, then every day for a month. Soon it will become a habit to do things that put a smile on your face.

You are now in the process of remembering your connection to Source. One of the best ways to reconnect to Source is to do what makes you happy. Yes meditation, prayer and quiet time are all powerful ways to connect. And so is being joyous.

Choose to put a smile on your face. Choose to ignore your judge / ego. Be patient with yourself. You’ve spent years listening to your ego. Choose to listen to your spirit and your heart. Choose to make yourself happy.

imagine the possibilities…

© Carol Chanel


I always recommend that my clients read the amazing book “The Four Agreements” written by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Not only will you learn about the birth of the judge / ego, you will also learn how to not take things personally and how to not make assumptions. These valuable tools will serve you every day of your life.

Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

You can visit my website at:

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach

TO SUBSCRIBE to this e-zine:


FEEDBACK: Your feedback is always welcome and appreciated! Write me at carolchanel@verizon.net.

PRIVACY POLICY: I respect your privacy and *DO NOT* give out, rent or sell my subscribers' names and/or e-mail addresses. You will never get an unsolicited email from a stranger as a result of joining this list.