“What is your Negative Self-Talk Doing to You?”
What is your negative self-talk doing to you health? Your heart? Your soul?
According to Ron Roth, internationally recognized spiritual healer, negative self-talk punches holes in your soul and drains away your life force – your positive, creative energy. That, in turn, shuts down your heart and causes poor health. It affects all parts of your life.
So, what are the conversations in your head? Would you want your soulmate to hear them?
Is your self-talk filled with love, appreciation, respect, humility and integrity?
Or does it contain negative thoughts, criticisms, judgments, anger or disrespect?
Do you ever criticize yourself? About what? How often?
How does that impact your relationships?
People come to me – as a life coach – because their lives aren’t working.
And negative self-talk is a big reason why our lives don’t work. Think about punching holes in your soul and draining away your positive energy.
When I’m coaching, I learn where a client criticizes and judges themselves and to what extent.
Most people who criticize themselves also criticize and judge others. And when we do that, forget about having a great relationship – with anyone.
One of my clients was in a job that required accuracy and perfection. Her personality was suited to that. However working in that job allowed an already bad habit – perfectionism – to increase.
If things weren’t perfect, she was critical — of herself, her friends, family and her boyfriend. Until she didn’t have a boyfriend anymore.
No man likes to be criticized. I remember a male client telling me that the two things not to do to a man were: not to judge or criticize him and not to make him wrong. Women don’t like it either.
Men really hate it and they will either retaliate or shut down and ultimately leave. In my client’s case, the man left. She was devastated.
I had her look at how hard, even sometimes nasty, she had been to him. And she began to understand why he left.
With a lot of work on quieting her critical voice, she stopped criticizing herself, and that transferred to other people in her life. She began to talk to herself lovingly. She stopped the leaking from the holes in her soul.
When we stop our negative self-talk and we realize that other people do that to themselves, we can be compassionate. And that allows us to have more fulfilling relationships.
WHY ARE WE CRITICAL?
Usually, nine out of ten times, we learn it at home, school or religion. If we heard it at home or through religion we will be inordinately hard on ourselves.
And again, if we are hard on ourselves, we will be hard on others.
For instance – what if your father insisted that you get straight A’s and a B wasn’t an acceptable option. And you worked to always get A’s, but one quarter you got a B and you were demeaned and criticized. As a result, you will more than likely be incredibly hard on yourself if you don’t get the top rating, pay increase, or the best feedback.
You now expect yourself to be perfect. And you are unhappy with nothing less than perfection. That’s impossible and a waste of time and energy. And it’s all ego based.
THE GOOD NEWS
Here’s the good news – if we learn a bad behavior, we can unlearn it and re-learn a good one.
One of the big things I help clients with is in their relationships. With everyone – spouses, friends, children, bosses, employees. And most of the time the upset in the relationship involves someone getting judged and criticized.
And that makes everyone angry. And makes for disastrous relationships.
SO HOW TO CHANGE
Here’s the best way to change. Cut yourself some slack. We all make mistakes. And the truth is your father or mother or grandmother isn’t here telling you how stupid you are for making that mistake.
You’ve taken over their job. And that self-talk can get really vicious. So stop!
Step one – Notice what you tell yourself. Catch yourself when you say, “you idiot, I can’t believe you just dropped that glass, or spilled the wine!”
Step two – Change what you say to yourself. What would you have liked your parents to say to you when you accidently broke something? “Are you okay?” “Don’t worry we can always replace that vase?” “It’s just a material item.” “You are more important.” “Next time you’ll know to use two hands.”
Practice being kind to yourself.
Step three – Know that this is a life-long process. We are going to slip and judge ourselves and others. When we judge others – apologize. Tell them you’re sorry. Tell them you hated it when your father, or whomever it have may been, criticized you and you didn’t mean to do that to them.
IT’S A CHOICE
What we say to ourselves and others is a choice. Think of someone you respect, maybe it’s a world leader, a famous author or a spiritual figure. Think what their perspective would be on whatever you are being critical about.
For example, what would Mother Teresa say about you being angry because you failed an exam? She would probably hug you and tell you that you were loved whether you passed an exam or not.
Then from that place of love, you could quiet your mind, study and retake the test with a new perspective that you are not the result of a test.
Choose a person that you know who is an evolved soul and imagine what they would say and apply it to yourself. You are changing your self-talk. The people who planted those original ideas that led to negative self-talk were wrong.
Notice. Practice. Allow the process.
And then apply that to others, and your relationships will be more loving and fulfilling, because people want to be accepted for who they are. When they make a mistake, they are usually so hard on themselves, they don’t need you adding to their negative self-talk. They can do a great job of that on their own.
If you need to, speak your truth kindly, lovingly and firmly. Not from a critical place.
When you choose not to criticize yourself and others, you will have healthier, happier, more loving relationships.
When you stop the negative self-talk, you’ll stop draining your life force and you’ll be happier, more productive and fulfilled.
imagine the possibilities…..
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
Hans is a 36 year-old executive consultant in Norway.
Q: “I am in love with a wonderful woman who I would like to marry. But there is one thing stopping me. She has a precious son – 8 years old – who I would like to adopt and I hate the way she talks to her son. She is harsh, snaps at him and sometimes is just down right mean to him when he makes a mistake.
I point out that he is just 8 years old. But she says he has to learn now.
No matter what I say or how I try to explain that her behavior is damaging him, she insists that she is the mother and knows what is right.
What should I do? I feel so sorry for her son and yet I don’t want a life of fighting with her.”
A: Hans this is a difficult situation for everyone. Would she consider therapy or coaching?
From what you wrote I gather her parents treated her the way she is treating her son and she hasn’t looked to see that there is a better method of parenting.
There are some great books and wonderful child psychologists who could help her.
I can only imagine how she must talk to herself. I imagine she is extremely harsh.
While I can’t tell you ultimately what to do, I can suggest that you encourage her to work on herself, so that she can see the damage she is doing to her son and herself. And ultimately to their relationship. When he is older, he will likely rebel, and reject her.
If she is unwilling to get any help, what are you prepared to do? What is your boundary?
From what you’ve written it sounds like living with this day in and day out isn’t acceptable to you.
From a place of compassion, tell her how strongly you feel about what she’s doing. And if she isn’t willing to change, you don’t think you can go any further with the relationship. Tell her it actually hurts you to witness her behavior.
If you do have to leave the relationship, see if you can stay friends with her son. He’s going to need a loving, compassionate influence in his life. He’s blessed to have you. She is too. Set your intention that she’ll get help for everyone’s sake.
If you hear negative self-talk and want to stop, there are many ways to go about it. Hire a coach, hypnotherapist, therapist or a spiritual teacher.
Also, you might want to buy this brand new audio from Ron Roth,
“How to Repair Your Spiritual Energy Leaks and Experience a
Healthier Life.” He’s been doing this work for 40 years and is amazing.
Go to www.ronroth.com under audios to purchase it.
Happy Loving Yourself!
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
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Certified Life Coach
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