Were You Really Betrayed?

One of my core teachings is that no matter what someone does or doesn’t do, it’s never personal. 

If a person yells, manipulates you, talks down to you, is rude, unfriendly, unkind or even if they are sweet to you, it always has to do with them.  It has nothing to do with you.   That’s why it’s not personal to you.  It’s their behavior.  It comes from their minds and their hearts.  If it’s unkind, it comes from their wounds.  If it’s kind, it comes from their hearts.

After people coach with me, they truly grasp this concept.  They know it’s true.  As a result their lives positively change.  They relax and learn to live a more joyful and peaceful life.

There is one area where this concept is challenging to apply, and that’s when a person feels betrayed by their spouse or boy/girl friend.

If you are married to, living with or in a serious relationship with a person and they have an affair with another person, it feels awful.  Your trust gets shattered.  Your idea of what you thought you had with that person gets destroyed.  It can be rebuilt, but not if you take it personally. It’s not personal.  If he (or she) chose to be with another woman or man, it has nothing to do with you.  It was all about him.  Something he needed, wanted, desired and chose.  An Unhealthy Reaction

You might not want to be with a man who made that choice, and that’s your choice.   Where I see women, and men, ruining their lives is by staying mad at the person.  And staying mad for years.  That magnifies the supposed betrayal and keeps it stuck in your mind.  To what end?

Women will say they don’t trust men.  When I ask why, inevitably they tell me they’ve been “cheated” on.  That’s a loaded word.  It makes you feel awful about yourself.  With venom and anger in their voices, they tell me what he did.  You can feel the hate pouring out of their hearts.  The anger is palpable.

It’s honest to be mad at first.  And it’s how you move yourself out of despair and rejection.  But staying mad isn’t healthy.  It keeps you stuck in negative energy.

A Healthy Response

If it happened to you, what if instead you said, “Well, he chose to go be with another woman and didn’t tell me.  It really hurt me and made me sad.  He even lied about where he was at times.  I don’t trust him anymore.  I decided he isn’t the man for me.  I know it’s not personal, it’s about him.  And it’s not okay with me.  He obviously has some things to work out.  I’m moving on.”

Obviously in the second scenario you are free to move on and be with a different man who has already worked through his issues that led him to look outside the relationship.

A Freeing Choice

But what if the man apologizes and wants to stay in the marriage or relationship?  What do you do then?  You decide if the relationship is worth saving.  If it is, he has to work to regain your trust and you have to forgive him.  It’s a whole lot easier to forgive someone if you don’t take it personally.  And since it’s not personal, when a person goes off with someone else, then doesn’t that make forgiveness a healthy choice?

Remember forgiveness isn’t about condoning behavior, it’s “for giving love to yourself and someone else.”  If you really love this person and you’re willing to accept that their behavior had nothing to do with you, that they were trying to heal an old wound or learn something about themselves, then the next logical step is forgiveness for their actions.

How To Not Feel Betrayed

I’m not saying it’s easy.  Don’t let your mind wonder what she looks like; what she had that you don’t have; what made her so special that he was willing to risk the relationship to be with her; or whatever other thoughts your mind can conjure up. 

Don’t go there because it isn’t relevant.  He went there for his own reasons.   Often the other woman isn’t even all that attractive.  But it doesn’t matter, it actually has nothing to do with you or her.  It’s about him.  Trying to understand why doesn’t help.  It actually keeps you stuck in a negative energy field.

Your key to freedom from feeling devastated, betrayed, cheated on or rejected is to not take it personally.  It isn’t personal.  It was about him.  You might think you two are linked, or one, and so to think that it didn’t have anything to do with you might make you even madder.  But the truth is, you are separate.  You are individuals.  So think like one.

Be true to yourself.  Love yourself.  He made his decision.  Now you make yours.  What decision serves you?  What’s the healthy choice for you?

To come up with your truth, move into your heart.  Get out of your head.  Don’t listen to you ego, your critical voice.  Listen to your heart.  What does it want to do?

And if this happened to you years ago, and you are still angry or bitter about it, what do you need to do to finally let it go?  Because it’s now just an excuse to keep you from having a relationship.  He didn’t reject you.  He did something for himself.  So then you knew, he wasn’t the guy you wanted to be with.   Let him go, by letting go of taking it personally.  Make a healthier choice.

Nothing is more unattractive than a bitter, resentful woman.  And it’s a cowardly excuse for not being vulnerable.  And worst of all, it’s keeping you from love.  You don’t have to attract another man who will be unfaithful.  But if you focus on it, you will.  So move on.  Take a risk.  Go for love.

Stop taking everything personally.  It’s not about you.

Choose to let go.  Choose to love again.  Choose to be free from your critical mind.  Choose to allow glorious love into your heart and life.

Imagine the possibilities…

© Carol Chanel