Victims and Relationships Don’t Mix!

In order for relationships to be truly fun, fulfilling, joyful and loving both people have to be emotionally healthy. That doesn’t mean you still don’t have some issues to resolve – that’s part of life. It does mean that you aren’t living a life as a victim of a past experience(s) and continuing to recreate more victim experiences.

If you want to have an amazing “rockin relationship” you can’t be a victim and you can’t be with a victim, because you will either set the person up to victimize you, or they will set you up to victimize them.

The Law of Attraction says we get what we think about, whether we want it or not. So if you’re afraid of being a victim, you will have victim energy and you will attract a victimizer. Or you will perceive what someone does to you as victimizing you.

Let me give you a personal example. I have a childhood friend who had some experiences growing up that were painful. He was a victim, at that point. As he grew older in order to get attention he, probably unconsciously, stepped into the role of the “victim.” Women flocked to him to take care of him, to nurture him and to rescue him.

All of that might be okay, if he didn’t need to keep wearing the cloak of victim and recreating victim experiences – day in and day out. And he will try to set people up to victimize him. He’ll interpret everything through the victim filter. So if you say you can’t do something that he wants you to do, then you are letting him down; he’ll play the “Poor Me.” For example, if he calls one day when you’re super busy and can’t talk, he’ll say you were unkind to him.

He also attracts people who do take advantage of him. Remember you get what you think about, whether you want it or not.

Now if you’ve been around someone who sees themselves as a victim, and lives as a victim, then you know it’s a miserable and drama filled existence. Their lives are all drama and you can’t have a normal, healthy relationship with them. And they aren’t living in their truth as a powerful human being connected to pure positive energy.

That’s the place where you want to be and want the other person to be.

The most important part of being around a victim is to not collude with them. Don’t see them as a victim. Don’t hold them in that energy. That’s what they’re used to. That’s what they think they want, because that’s how they’re used to getting attention. It’s the “Poor Me” routine. Don’t go there with them.

What if instead you saw them as creative, resourceful and whole? What if you saw them as learning how they really wanted to be in life and that the victim role was one they played for a while and might now choose to leave behind? From that place you’re not pulled into their victim energy and they might be encouraged to change their perspective, to move into a new more fulfilling role.

Are You A Victim?

Now I’ve been talking about other people being the victim. What if you see yourself as a victim?

This is close to my heart, because I used to see myself as a victim. And sure enough, I would have experiences that made me look and feel like a victim.

Then one day a wise American Indian elder said to me, “You can either be a victim of your circumstances, or be victorious in your learning.”

I loved that perspective. It felt so uplifting and powerful. And I realized I had a choice. And from that moment I always look at how to be victorious.

During the Beijing Olympics, US track and field star Lolo Jones was running the 100-meter hurdles final, in which she was heavily favored. She was leading the race when she clipped the second to the last hurdle. That knocked her off her stride and she finished well out of the medals.

What she said after the race – being victorious, not a victim – was that she felt the gold around her neck and that caused her to lose her focus for a split second. When you’re jumping hurdles that split second is all it takes. She’s not a victim. She may have not have medaled, but she knows what she did and she has a powerful learning that will be with her for the rest of her life.

Victims miss the opportunities for learning.

How Can You Be Victorious?

So if you see yourself as a victim, or if you keep being a victim of others, how can you change?

Before I tell you how to change I want to ask you to not be hard on yourself if you’ve been a victim. Sometimes, when we realize we’ve been creating it, we can get upset with ourselves. Don’t go there. You didn’t know any other way to be. And now I’m pointing out another way. So start with the “Beginners Mind” – open and curious, like you are starting your life over. You are.

So the first step is stop being mean to yourself. Your ego is the critical part of your mind. The victim’s ego is cruel, critical, perfectionistic and judgmental. You can go to my ezine archive on my website and read May 18, 2004 “What Is Your Negative Self-Talk Doing to You” and June 29, 2006, “How Your Ego Holds You Hostage” to get information on how to quiet your critical voice. Your ego is your critical voice. The truth is it’s probably not even yours, it’s probably a father, mother, sibling or teachers voice. Don’t give it attention. Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you would want a wise loving mother to talk to you.

Second, stop seeing yourself as a victim. Start remembering the good things that have happened to you in your life. The thing about victims is they don’t look at the good things, or they discount them, or the focus is so weighted on the “bad” things that they don’t give any attention to the “good” things.

Third, pay attention to where you might unconsciously set yourself up as a victim. If you know that a friend isn’t responsible, don’t ask them to feed your cat while you’re on vacation. If your assistant doesn’t have good people skills, don’t ask her to talk to your clients. If your boyfriend is always late, don’t ask him to take you to the airport to catch your flight. Don’t set yourself up!

This one is a little tricky, because you’ve been unconsciously doing this for a while. If victim things are still happening, you’re still doing it. Now remember, be kind to yourself. It’s okay, you’re in the process of changing.

And fourth, don’t victimize others. I know you’re saying, I would never do that. But I guarantee you, victims will at some point, unconsciously victimize others. Even if it’s just a judgment or criticism of another person, or an abrupt communication. And if you unconsciously victimize another, then you’ll feel really badly about yourself. Then from that place, you’ll attract more victim experiences. So be conscious of your behavior.

And if you have victimized others, in any way, forgive yourself. I’m not saying to condone what you did; I’m saying to realize that you didn’t know what you were doing. You were in a victim perspective and you were unconscious. You were wounded and you were reacting out of that wound.

Here’s a lovely little saying I repeat every day:

“I call on the Law of Forgiveness for myself and all mankind, for all mistakes, misqualified energy, human unconsciousness and for straying from the light.”

We are all trying to do the best as we can. We will make mistakes, we will go unconscious and stray from the light. And we can go back into the light and become victorious in our learning. And we can feel great about ourselves and from that place attract the most wonderful experiences into our life!

It’s a choice. You can either be a victim of your circumstances or victorious in your learning.

Choose victorious!

Imagine the possibilities…

© Carol Chanel


David Hawkins in his book, “Power vs. Force” goes into great length about how the human mind likes to take a position. The Victim is a position. He explains how we block ourselves when we take a position on anything. We aren’t open to learning, to growth, to new experiences when we are stuck in a position.

It’s a brilliant book filled with powerful information about the levels of consciousness, as well as important concepts on blame and why it doesn’t work to blame others.

It’s really a must read. It’s not an easy read though, so give yourself some time and read a few pages a day. I had to have some help understanding some of his concepts so please email me if you find yourself a little perplexed.

Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

You can visit my website at:

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach 

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