The “Thinking” Woman’s Guide to Relationships

Two weeks ago I wrote about why fabulous women are single. As I anticipated I got a lot of great responses. I love hearing from my readers – no matter what they have to say. Most of the responses were positive. Women were willing to admit that they were afraid of being hurt again and thanked me for the suggestions on how to overcome that fear. Several readers told me I was wrong and told me they were single because of what was wrong with men.

Well here’s what’s so interesting. My clients, who are working on changing their status from single to being with a wonderful man and who are dealing with their fear, had exciting results: ATTRACTING WONDERFUL MEN – everywhere they went.

They kept attracting men – had fabulous dates – and almost felt like they needed to slow the attraction down a little. Great problem to have. I wonder if the people who felt like it was all about the men’s problems had the same positive experiences. Unfortunately probably not. (That’s not to say there aren’t men with all kinds of problems. But if you’re healthy and feeling good about yourself, you’re not going to attract them.)

The Laws of the Universe

The way it works is this: We get what we think about whether we want it or not.

So if you deal with your fear and you feel comfortable enough to attract a wonderful man and believe they are out there and want to date you – then that is what you will experience.

If you think that men aren’t smart enough or evolved enough, aren’t available, aren’t loving, whatever – then that is what you’ll attract.

This is how the Universe works. I didn’t make this up. I just implemented this in my own life and help my clients implement it in theirs. This is what quantum physics is all about. Thoughts are energy and attract like (the same) energy.

If you’re afraid, guarded, judging, cynical, or critical you will not have wonderful men in your life. You will attract men that will let you be right about how men are bad, untrustworthy, shallow, or whatever experience you’ve had that you’re carrying forward.

So you can be “right” and alone or you can be open and have a great partner. It’s up to you. It’s your life. Please choose to trust the Laws of the Universe. You’ll be so thankful you did.

I chose to have a wonderful partner – my husband. My clients who choose to have wonderful partners have attracted great men. I’ve had the privilege of meeting many of them. It makes my heart sing and my soul soar.

So if you still aren’t convinced, then I encourage you to be open to seeing what would happen if you allowed yourself to receive a man that did fit perfectly with you.

And if you are still afraid and your ego is throwing all sorts of fear-based ideas at you, then keep working towards choosing thoughts that will allow a man into your life.

Your fear will keep him away. And then you’ll be safe, and alone. As I wrote last time, I know both places.

So for those of you, who want to move forward and attract your ideal partner, let’s look more in-depth at one of the big fears and how to deal with it.


Usually the biggest fear is being hurt – again. The hurt can fall under many different experiences such as betrayal; verbal, emotional or physical abuse; rejection, condescension, control or manipulation.

Once a woman heals from a bad relationship, the last thing she wants to experience again is that pain and the work afterwards to heal. She feels good about herself and her life and doesn’t want that disrupted again.

And the important thing to realize is that once you have healed, learned, forgiven but not forgotten, and moved on, you will NOT attract another man like that. And if you do, it will only be for a second, because you will see it and move quickly away.

If you are still hurt, angry, bitter, afraid or feeling rejected, then you will attract another man like the one who hurt you. That’s why you want to heal first before moving onto another relationship. The new one will be like the old one if you don’t heal first.

If you’re having a hard time healing, be kind and compassionate with yourself. Please go work with someone so you can heal and move on. Ultimately I like my clients to read the book, “The Four Agreements”; by Don Miguel Ruiz so they can learn that the way they were treated wasn’t personal. And usually once they work on their pain, and really get the concept that it wasn’t personal, then they are free to move on.

I mentioned this last time and it’s worth repeating. If you think the past will repeat itself and you’ll be mistreated or rejected and end up feeling badly about yourself again, remember this time you know what to look for. You know the signs and you won’t ignore them because you don’t want to go through the hurt again.

Let’s Review the Danger Signs

What are the 15 Red Flags?

He’s mean to you or dismissive of you
He’s not open and loving
He hides in his work or hobby
He’s an addict
He’s controlling and manipulative
He doesn’t have a job and doesn’t want one
He has lots of victim stories
He’s unavailable – married and not getting a divorce, or lives in another state and doesn’t want to move, or doesn’t want to get married
He expects you to put up with his flirting online or off
He has physical hang-ups
He expects you to look like his last girlfriend or his dream girl
He makes you wrong, judges or criticizes you
He lies to you
He doesn’t ever want to spend time with your friends or family
He’s fearful about life

What Will Work

To look at what will work, see my ezine “15 Relationship Green Flags” in my ezine archive –

So what can you do after you’ve done your healing work and you’re really ready for a relationship? Understanding the most important concept will impact your life:

You get what you think about – whether you want it or not.

To put it another way – your thoughts create your reality. So if you don’t like your reality, look at your thoughts and change them to reflect what you want.

Write a list of the qualities you want in your ideal partner. Be specific. Keep it where you can see it and read it every day.

Choose to think about what you want. Choose to quiet your fears, no matter what they are. Choose to understand someone from your past more than likely didn’t mean to hurt you, they were just unhealthy. Choose to not take anyone’s behavior personally – it’s never personal.

You can choose to believe or to doubt – it’s just a choice. Choose to believe.

Imagine the possibilities….

© Carol Chanel


Esther and Jerry Hicks have a new book, “The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent,” subtitled “Living the Art of Allowing.” I really like the exercises in the book. The information is similar to what they wrote about in their book, “Ask And It’s Given,” and they’ve expanded upon it in this new book.

The chapters that directly apply to the ezine article are chapters 6 – “The Attractive Power of Your Creative Thought,” chapter 7 – “You Are Manifesting the Essence of What You Are Thinking About,” and chapter 8 – “When You Ask, It Is Always Given.”

The exercises in the back of the book are powerful and will help you in creating the life you want. If you feel like you want help with choosing a better feeling thought they have a chapter of exercises and examples to assist you with that process.

Happy Choosing and Attracting What You Want!!!

Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

You can visit my website at:

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach 

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