The Biggest Don’t in Relationships! And What to do Instead!

Do you perform for love?  Do you expect others to perform for your love?

It never works.  And yet we often think that if we do something a certain way, say something or don’t say something, that we will keep a person loving us.  Like an actor who performs for applause or approval, you perform for love.

One way you might perform for love is by not speaking up when you need or want something because you’re afraid he/she won’t love you anymore?  So you keep quiet and bury your feelings and desires.  It never works because you aren’t fully engaged in the relationship.  You’ll end up resenting them and that doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

Do you think a person has to behave a certain way for you to be happy and love them? They may feel like they have to walk, talk, dress, work or even clean a certain way so you’ll be happy and love them.

It’s what we felt – and learned – as children.  We became conditioned that certain behavior earned us our parent’s love and approval; and certain other types of behavior earned us their disapproval or even anger.

What does everyone really want?  The answer is in a beautiful quote I read in the May ezine issue of Relational Presence Journal by Lee Glickstein.  Since he didn’t give the authors name I don’t know who to attribute the quote to, but I’m sure they will approve of my sharing it with you.

“What we needed (as children) in large doses were receptive eyes, soft gazes signifying: ‘I am here for you. I see you, I hear you. There is nothing to do, nothing to perform. You don’t have to smile or delight me to keep me here. Just being with you and breathing together is my great pleasure.’ “

Wow, when I read that I got tears in my eyes.  I could feel the softening in my heart; and feel the little girl and the woman in me saying yes, that’s what I want, what I’ve always wanted.   And it’s how I want to make others feel when they’re with me.

Please read that again – slowly this time.  Embrace the powerful energy of the author’s profound wisdom.  Sit in the love and acceptance the author expresses.

Imagine being loved and accepted like that.  You are – by God or Source. Every second of every day you are loved and valued at a level that is difficult for most humans to even comprehend, much less feel.

But if you can imagine how fabulous it would be to be seen and heard, and that there is nothing you have to do or perform in order to have love in your life, then you will begin to comprehend that level of love and acceptance.

Then extend that same love to all the others in your life. That goes for the person who pushes your buttons the most.  The person you say you dislike.  Just see them, accept them and breathe with them.

People are starving for that level of acceptance.  Absolutely starving for it.  That’s why when you experience it in another, you want that person to be with you all the time.

But then, that creates a dependency and a reason for you to be unhappy.  Then you might perform for love to keep them.  If you catch yourself doing that, it’s okay.  Just take a deep breath and let go.

You need to give love to yourself and receive it from God or Source.  Don’t ask someone to perform for your love or approval for you to feel good.  Instead just give love to them.  Give it to 10 people today and most importantly, keep giving it to yourself.

Choose to just be yourself.  Choose to not perform.  Choose to love and let everyone just be.  Choose to be with them and yourself and breathe together.

Imagine the possibilities….

© Carol Chanel


I have two resources that I think you’ll find helpful and pertain to this ezine. I wrote about the ezine Relationship Presence Journal. To find out more about Lee Glickstein and his amazingly powerful work to help you become a powerful and authentic speaker, go to his website:

My other suggestion today is to read Don Miguel Ruiz’s books, “The Four Agreements” and his companion book.

“THE FOUR AGREEMENTS COMPANION BOOK, by Don Miguel Ruiz, takes you even further along the journey (than his original book “The Four Agreements”) to recover the awareness and wisdom of your authentic self.”
In this book you will find:

“How to break the domestication that keeps you enslaved by fear”

“Keys to recover your will, your faith, and the power of your word”

“Practice ideas to help you become the master of your own life”

“A dialogue with don Miguel about living the Four Agreements”

“Success stories from people who have used the Four Agreements”

Put an end to your suffering and read this valuable book. If you haven’t read “The Four Agreements” then order both that and the companion book. You can get them on Amazon.

Get ready to free yourself from taking things personally, making assumptions and wasting time and energy trying to be perfect.


Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

You can visit my website at:

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach 

TO SUBSCRIBE to this e-zine:

FEEDBACK: Your feedback is always welcome and appreciated! Write me at

PRIVACY POLICY: I respect your privacy and *DO NOT* give out, rent or sell my subscribers' names and/or e-mail addresses. You will never get an unsolicited email from a stranger as a result of joining this list.