The Biggest Don’t in Relationships! And What to do Instead!

Do you perform for love?  Do you expect others to perform for your love?

It never works.  And yet we often think that if we do something a certain way, say something or don’t say something, that we will keep a person loving us.  Like an actor who performs for applause or approval, you perform for love.

One way you might perform for love is by not speaking up when you need or want something because you’re afraid he/she won’t love you anymore?  So you keep quiet and bury your feelings and desires.  It never works because you aren’t fully engaged in the relationship.  You’ll end up resenting them and that doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

Do you think a person has to behave a certain way for you to be happy and love them? They may feel like they have to walk, talk, dress, work or even clean a certain way so you’ll be happy and love them.

It’s what we felt – and learned – as children.  We became conditioned that certain behavior earned us our parent’s love and approval; and certain other types of behavior earned us their disapproval or even anger.

What does everyone really want?  The answer is in a beautiful quote I read in the May ezine issue of Relational Presence Journal by Lee Glickstein.  Since he didn’t give the authors name I don’t know who to attribute the quote to, but I’m sure they will approve of my sharing it with you.

“What we needed (as children) in large doses were receptive eyes, soft gazes signifying: ‘I am here for you. I see you, I hear you. There is nothing to do, nothing to perform. You don’t have to smile or delight me to keep me here. Just being with you and breathing together is my great pleasure.’ “

Wow, when I read that I got tears in my eyes.  I could feel the softening in my heart; and feel the little girl and the woman in me saying yes, that’s what I want, what I’ve always wanted.   And it’s how I want to make others feel when they’re with me.

Please read that again – slowly this time.  Embrace the powerful energy of the author’s profound wisdom.  Sit in the love and acceptance the author expresses.

Imagine being loved and accepted like that.  You are – by God or Source. Every second of every day you are loved and valued at a level that is difficult for most humans to even comprehend, much less feel.

But if you can imagine how fabulous it would be to be seen and heard, and that there is nothing you have to do or perform in order to have love in your life, then you will begin to comprehend that level of love and acceptance.

Then extend that same love to all the others in your life. That goes for the person who pushes your buttons the most.  The person you say you dislike.  Just see them, accept them and breathe with them.

People are starving for that level of acceptance.  Absolutely starving for it.  That’s why when you experience it in another, you want that person to be with you all the time.

But then, that creates a dependency and a reason for you to be unhappy.  Then you might perform for love to keep them.  If you catch yourself doing that, it’s okay.  Just take a deep breath and let go.

You need to give love to yourself and receive it from God or Source.  Don’t ask someone to perform for your love or approval for you to feel good.  Instead just give love to them.  Give it to 10 people today and most importantly, keep giving it to yourself.

Choose to just be yourself.  Choose to not perform.  Choose to love and let everyone just be.  Choose to be with them and yourself and breathe together.

Imagine the possibilities….

© Carol Chanel