Rejection – Is it Real?
One thing I know about rejection is that it feels real.
And even though it rarely is real, it sure feels that way.
Why is it rarely real?
First let’s look at – what is rejection?
It looks like someone decides they don’t want to spend time,
money, or share their heart with us.
A person seemingly rejects us in favor of someone or something
else. Or so it seems at first glance.
What makes rejection seemingly hurt so much is that we perceive
it to be a rejection of us personally. As a person, a human being.
One of the definitions of rejection is to deny. Here’s the one we
take personally: to discard as defective or useless.
That one zings right into our hearts.
One thing I know for certain — absolutely no one on this earth
can tell you that you’re defective or useless. Well, they can tell
you but you can “reject” their comment.
The real pain behind rejection is that we think someone is
saying we aren’t worthy. We are defective or useless. Guess
what, it’s a lie.
IT’S A LIE!
You aren’t defective, flawed or useless. Why is it a lie? No one
is defective or useless. If we are breathing we have an opportunity
to be quite useful and if there is something we want to change about
our lives, we can do that. No one is defective.
Why do you think that the other persons behavior is about you?
It isn’t. It’s about them. Always.
It’s about what works and doesn’t work for them. And if you don’t
work for someone, I guarantee you that you will work for someone
else. And someone else will work better for you.
And if someone can make you feel defective, then underneath
you feel that way, otherwise you would reject that thought.
You aren’t defective.
I worked with a fabulous woman – we’ll call her Teresa. She is
smart, kind, funny and very upbeat.
But every time a man didn’t want to be with her, she felt rejected.
And it would put her into a tail spin.
As we worked on having her realize and focus on the things that
she liked about herself, she began to shift.
Step by step, she began to realize she wasn’t defective and that
she was useful, and so much more.
Then we looked at the various men in her life and what was going
on with them. When she looked closely, she realized they weren’t
rejecting her. It wasn’t personal.
They had their own issues, insecurities, fears, etc. She also
realized she was better off without them in her life on a love
Neither person was defective or useless – they just weren’t meant
to be together in a romantic way.
Now she is dating and enjoying herself and keeping her power for
THE BEST RELATIONSHIP
When you are in the best relationship for yourself and for the
other person, you’ll know it. It doesn’t mean you are home free.
There is always work in relationships.
But that person – the best person – for you, doesn’t make you
feel rejected when he has to take care of his own business.
You know he loves you – he tells you in different ways. He shows
his appreciation of you.
And you show love and appreciate him, which creates a safe and
courageous space for him.
WORK ON YOURSELF
So if this is a recurring theme in your life, then start right now
to deal with it.
Begin by listing all the wonderful qualities you have. Then ask
friends and family what it is they appreciate and like about you.
Then look back on past relationships and honestly ask yourself
where the man was in his life when he “rejected” you.
What was going on in his life? What kind of man was he really?
Often we love someone and know they are truly a good person,
but their behavior is awful. Or maybe they just aren’t available, so
they can’t be in a relationship. Maybe they came from an abusive
home and they don’t know how to love, or communicate.
Look honestly, and then answer this question:
“Were they rejecting me or were they unable to be in a relationship
with a Goddess like me?” (I know that if you are reading this e-zine
then you are a Goddess.)
It’s your choice whether you want to feel rejected or you want to
accept that it wasn’t the best person for you or vice versa. There
isn’t anything wrong in either case. No one is wrong, defective
or useless. It just wasn’t a good fit.
So don’t feel badly about yourself. You’re a Goddess!
If you want some help working through any old rejection patterns,
give me a call. Don’t hold on to it any longer.
When you love yourself, when you feel good about yourself, when
you let yourself and others have what is needed, you will feel free.
So love yourself, see your goodness, honor your Goddess.
imagine the possibilities….
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
This question comes from a Louise in London:
Q: “My boyfriend recently broke up with me and I’m
feeling so rejected. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.
Can you give me some insights so that I don’t have to
feel badly about myself?”
A: I know from reading your full email to me that the reasons
he broke up with you is that he wasn’t ready for a long term
committed relationship and you are.
So think of it this way, he wasn’t rejecting you as a person, he
was saying that what you wanted wasn’t what he wanted right
now. He is extremely busy – at age 33 – building his career
and proving to himself that he can be successful. That is his
choice. It doesn’t seem to have anything to do with you.
Louise, he isn’t rejecting you, he is choosing HIS priorities.
And career and success are his priorities. Not a relationship.
Keep staying open. Honor your choice and his choice. It’s
not personal. He has a right to his choices. And remember
you are a Goddess and the best man will come into your life.
So please keep working on yourself and keep your heart open.
That way the man you are meant to be with can find you and
then the committed relationship you want will be right for both
You are on the right track. Keep looking and loving.
In keeping with the theme about not feeling rejected, I want
to recommend two fabulous books that will give you amazing
insights into this subject.
“The Four Agreements” and “The Mastery of Love” both by
Don Miguel Ruiz. Please read “The Four Agreements”
They changed my life and most of my clients feel the same way
about the benefits of these two books. Everyone can benefit
from his insights.
They are in paperback, small books and are easy to read.
Here’s to being happy and in love!
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
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Certified Life Coach
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