Men’s Fears – It’s Not What You Think!

What makes a great relationship? Love, honesty, passion, joy, companionship, trust, integrity and a sense of humor.

What ruins a potentially fabulous relationship? Fear, dishonesty, cheating, a closed heart, addictions. Wow, on and on the list could go.

For this issue let’s just focus on fear.

Women and men share this fear and it seems like men get a bad rap here.

Why is that?

Well, often men will pull out of a relationship first and then the woman gets to look like she doesn’t have any fears.

I can put my previous self in that line.

And it is true that men will often break off the relationship and make it about anything and everything except their fear – that is until they work on themselves and become more conscious.


It is so sad to see a man or woman pull out of a potentially fabulous relationship because of their fear.

There is no need anymore to not face our fears and move forward. So much guidance is available today. And we have to be ready. It takes courage to face our fears and move beyond them.


Here is something interesting that I see occur as a person works with me. As a client faces their fears they will often draw a person to them that has the same fears the client has just moved past.

Wow, how does that happen? It seemed unfair. And yet there it was.

Being the optimist that I am, I realized very quickly that something powerful was occurring here. And being a person and coach who always looks for the higher learning, I explored what was being taught to my clients.


It seems that as we heal, move up the ladder of consciousness, as we clear away the “stuff” that made us fearful, the Universe gives us an exact mirror in the form of another person to show us where we’ve come from.

Are you with me? In comes a person who has the same fears we either moved past or are in the process of moving past.

Let me be more specific. The client meets a wonderful man or woman – has a powerful connection, love starts to blossom and the other person pulls away. Out of fear!

So what do you do with that experience? Well you can take it personally and feel rejected. Or you can withdraw and decide to let their fear knock you down.

Or you can see with kind, loving, compassionate eyes what fear looks like and how sad it is for the other person.

You can also see how in the past someone else’s fear would have knocked you out and had you withdraw.

Most of my clients look with compassionate, loving eyes. They realize that the situation presented itself to allow them to heal further. Yes, they’re hurt. And they know they’ll heal quickly.

They choose not to let someone else’s fear close their hearts. They worked too hard to open their hearts in order to feel and share love. Someone else’s fear isn’t going to stop them from growing and loving.

It’s a big old test from the Universe.

Okay, so you’ve passed the test. Yes, you are sad, maybe really sad – after all you’ve lost a love and a potential wonderful partner.


What can you do to lessen the chance of it happening again?

Only one thing. Keep working on lifting your own fear.When you are honest about your fear and begin to work on it, you will lift to a higher level of consciousness. Your energy will vibrate at a higher consciousness level.

And you will attract someone of a similar higher energy level. It’s the law of attraction – like attracts like.

I hope I haven’t lost you here.

Dr. David Hawkins in his groundbreaking book “Power vs. Force, The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior” has come up with a map or scale of the levels of consciousness. Fear is very low. On the scale of 20 to 1000, fear is at 100. Here are some of the other levels: love = 500, joy = 540, peace = 600 and full blown enlightenment– saint level of Buddha, Krishna, Jesus =700-1000.

Let me explain what else Dr. Hawkins says about fear. He writes this about the person at the level of fear: their God-view is “PUNITIVE, their life-view is FRIGHTENING, the associated emotion is ANXIETY, and the process is WITHDRAWAL.

“Fear limits the growth of the personality and leads to inhibition.” So when a person pulls away they are very likely withdrawing due to fear.

Remember fear is a long way from love on Hawkins scale, 100 versus 500. And if you are afraid of intimacy, love, commitment – whether you are male or female – you will likely attract someone who is more afraid or at least on the same level.

So if you want to change your experience and attract someone who isn’t afraid, then change and heal your fear.


It’s not as hard as you think. It takes some commitment, determination and a little courage. If you take the step and say, “that’s it, I am ready to heal this fear” and then call someone to help you, you will automatically raise your consciousness level.

Just that mere act of committing and asking will contribute to you feeling better about yourself.

There are many wonderful ways to heal your fears. I love coaching – naturally – because it deals with shifting perspectives. Also highly effective are hypnotherapy, spiritual counseling, homeopathy and other methods.

A must is meditation when you want to calm your fears, connect to your higher self and hear that wisdom.

Fear is usually just a thought that arises from a past experience. Or a perceived experience that you will have if you do something. Like giving a speech, you might think you will faint. Fear usually doesn’t pertain to now or the future.

So quiet your mind, relax, ask for guidance and take a small action step. You will begin to lift out of fear and reap the reward of those steps.

Pretty soon you will be attracting a man or woman who will match your new heightened awareness and courage. And by the way, courage is 200 on the scale. You’ll be almost halfway to love at that point.

Keep going – you’ll be feeling love’s power and giving it before you know it!

Choose to recognize and move beyond your fear and you will ultimately have a life filled with love, freedom and joy

imagine the possibilities…..

Sending loving energy to you

© Carol Chanel

Q & A

From Eileen, a 30 year old, IT Project Manager from Sylmar, CA

Q:: “I am single and would like to start dating again. However, I live in a very small town. This poses two challenges. The first is that there are very few single men who live here. Not a lot to choose from. The second challenge is, it’s like dating in a fish bowl. Everyone knows everyone else’s business! There are two or three larger towns within 45 minutes of here, but I hardly ever have time to get there and do things where people my age might be.

How can I get my dating life back on track?”
A: Eileen, it sounds like you are extremely busy and that going to events out of your area might not be feasible.

Also it sounds like you are challenged by the lack of volume of men to choose from. Not that volume is everything; however having more than two or three men to choose from is usually helpful.

Under your circumstances, I would use an internet dating service. People are extremely busy these days and find that meeting people on line helps to broaden their area. And saves them time.

The most important part of being on an internet site is the energy you put out. What is your intention?

Then after the energy comes the picture choice. What does your picture say about you? Are you presenting a soft, feminine, joyful energy? Or do you have a look that says, stay away. You’d be surprised at the pictures people choose. It’s so hard to be objective about ourselves.

The next step is your copy. What energy are you putting out in your written word? Are you being completely honest and yet somewhat safe? You do want to protect yourself from men who aren’t at the same level of consciousness that you are.

Then how you respond. I recommend several emails to a man, then a phone call to your cell phone only. After several phone calls, you might want to meet for coffee or lunch. Keep it safe and on your territory.

So to sum up — it’s about your energy, your intention, your willingness, your openness, your boundaries and trusting the universe.

It doesn’t matter where you meet someone to date and have fun with and maybe fall in love with. It matters that you put the appropriate energy out there.

So set your intention that you want to meet some wonderful man or men and then take some action steps.

I’d be happy to look at your photo and copy if you’d like.

Eileen, thanks for asking this question. It’s shared by a lot of readers. Internet dating can be fun, safe and a good use of your time and energy.


I am so excited by Dr. David Hawkins’s book: “Power versus Force, The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior.”

He is a psychiatrist and medical doctor who did the most extensive research imaginable before he wrote this book.

He reached that 700 level – enlightenment – checked out for a while only to decide to come back and help the rest of us make a difference in our lives and the world.

In this book you will learn why power is so much more effective than force. Why raising your energy consciousness level will impact you and so many others.

I rewrote my business card copy, my ads and my website using his principles.

You will learn so many powerful things from this book. Please buy it and start reading it now. If you prefer to receive the information in another form, here is his website so that you can order videos and other materials


Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

You can visit my website at:

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach 

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