It’s Not About You! So Don’t Take It Personally
Last night I turned on the TV and caught the tail end of Dr. Phil’s show working with couples who are engaged to be married. Now obviously, if you’re on the Dr. Phil show there are some problems in your relationship. And if there are problems before the wedding, oh boy, there will be even bigger problems after the wedding.
As I watched Dr. Phil work with the last couple I thought, I wish every woman in the world could see this segment because then they would know for sure that whatever a man does isn’t personal.
Women still think that whatever a man does or say means something about them. If the man flirts with another woman, then you’re not hot enough to keep his interest. If a man gets involved with another woman then you weren’t se*y enough, smart enough, successful enough, or whatever enough to have him stay home. If a man yells at you, you did something wrong to make him mad. If he doesn’t call you, then it’s because of something you said or did.
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!! It never will be. It’s about the man or the other person. It’s about whatever is going on with the other person in their mind.
Back to the Dr. Phil show. The man in the featured couple was controlling, judgmental and critical, and she had let him get away with it. Thank goodness she had the sense to realize she was letting him get away with it. And she had the good sense to get to Dr. Phil.
This man is a classic narcissist. One of the definitions of a narcissist is “vain, grasping, manipulative with a highly inflated perception of themselves and little regard for others. They have an absence of empathy. Their expectations have an almost childlike quality, yet they can be tyrannically outraged or pitifully depressed when thwarted. We give in to them because it seems easier to not rock their boat.” (Sandy Hotckiss, “Why Is It Always About You?”)
And true to form, he was one of the most defensive and self-focused men I’ve ever seen.
Here are three written statements he submitted to the show:
I only want to spend only $30 on the wedding. It’s only one day. (I didn’t forget two zeros, only $30. Even though the brides’ family was paying.)
I want to read all her email and letters.
She’s too weak and I wish she would stand up to me. (This was after he had intimidated her into doing everything his way.)
Those were the three I remember. That’s enough for most of us, isn’t it? Can you see how she couldn’t win with this man and how it was all about him?
At the end of the show Dr. Phil offered to set them up with a couple’s counselor in their area to help them work through things. The man’s ego was so dominant that he couldn’t hear Dr. Phil trying to help him.
He kept blaming Dr. Phil for taking his statements – things he had written – and “turning them on him without looking at his reasons.” Let’s see, what reason could there be for demanding to read her emails? Or for calling her weak? Or being absurd about the costs of the wedding when her parents were paying? It wasn’t even coming out of his pocket.
There wouldn’t be any winning with this guy. It would be his way or no way. And even though Dr. Phil was being rather gentle on him, he was furious when he got called on things.
This isn’t unusual. He had an ego that took everything personally. He’s controlling and arrogant and didn’t like it being pointed out, especially on TV. You can see that his behavior had nothing to do with his fiancé. She is lovely, kind and open.
Here’s something interesting to explore. Why did he go on the Dr. Phil Show? There might be hope for this man. You could see the signs of shame and humiliation on his face. I believe there’s a part of him that wants to overcome his narcissist behavior. Narcissists usually raise narcissists and maybe deep down he wants to break free of it. I’m going to say a little prayer for him.
As for the woman, to have even gotten engaged to this man tells me she has self-esteem issues. Big ones. Most of us would like to think we would have told this guy to take a hike.
But when women don’t feel good about themselves, they will attract a manipulative, domineering man who will extract every last drop of self-esteem they have.
And women will settle. There is often a voice inside women’s heads that rationalizes a partner’s bad behavior. It’s the voice that says, “Come on he’s not so bad. You know there really aren’t many good men out there. You’ll end up alone and lonely.”
There’s a huge advantage to being alone. If you aren’t dating, living or married to a less than ideal partner, you have the opportunity to attract him. Your ideal partner can’t find you if you’re settling by being with a less than ideal man.
My previous ezines have been about The Law of Attraction so I won’t go back into that topic here. Please go to my archive if you would like information about attracting your ideal partner.
In the meantime, realize that whatever a man does is not personal. If he doesn’t call, it’s not because of something you did. It’s because of how he thinks and feels. How he interpreted something through his filter.
If he flirts, he’s insecure. If he strays, he may be an addict or have a commitment issue. If he yells, it’s his anger issue – it’s not your fault.
Here’s the truth: When you meet the man you are supposed to be with, you can’t mess it up. You could try, but even then he’s not likely to leave. (Well, I guess you could try really hard to mess things up, but even then he might not leave.)
You don’t have to struggle or suffer with worrying about everything you said, did or didn’t say or do. Just relax and let go and trust that you will be with your ideal partner.
Trust that things will work out. Don’t settle. You don’t have to.
Don’t take things personally. It’s not about you. It is not about you. It is about the other person and their perspectives, perceptions, insecurities and their ego.
Choose to believe that if things are meant to be they will work out, and if they don’t someone better will come along.
Choose to be positive. Choose to not listen or give energy to any negative self-talk.
Choose to realize, accept and embrace all the wonderful things about yourself.
Imagine the possibilities….
© Carol Chanel
If you want to learn more about why and how not to take things personally then I highly recommend “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. The second agreement is about not taking things personally. It’s brilliant.
If you want to understand narcissists and how to deal with them then Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW, has written a highly useful book called “Why Is It Always About You?” I’ve learned so much about narcissists after reading her book. I can recognize them now and deal with them more effectively. If you have someone in your life you think exhibits narcissistic tendencies then read this book to gain insight and understanding about them.
“The Four Agreements” Don Miguel Ruiz
“Why Is It Always About You? Sandy Hotchkiss
These should both be available on Amazon.
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
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