Is your happiness conditional?

When I ask women what makes them happy they tell me about wonderful experiences they’ve had, vacations they’ve taken, moments they’ve shared with their partners and family.  Or they’ll tell me what would make them happy – being in a great relationship, having a career that’s fulfilling, winning the lottery, getting a promotion or going on a date with someone they like.

Notice that it’s all related to external circumstances.

We are conditioned to think, and most people really believe, that our happiness is dependent on what others do and say, and what we have in our lives.

I call it the “conditional happiness” concept.  Let’s look at an example of how this concept works.

Imagine you’re dating a guy you truly like.  You’ve been going out for two months and he’s asked you out every weekend always calling no later than Wednesday.  You like how this is unfolding.  You’re happy.

Then he doesn’t call to ask you out for a weekend.  I mean Tuesday, Wednesday, the whole week goes by and he doesn’t call.

How do you react to him not asking you out?  Do you feel unhappy?  Do you feel rejected?  Do you replay your conversations in your head looking for what you might have done wrong?  Do you take it personally?  Do you call or text him?Or do you say, well it’s Thursday morning, I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I’m going to make plans with some friends that I’ve missed seeing because I’ve spent so many weekends with him?

The first set of reactions is you choosing to be unhappy because he hasn’t called and asked you out.  It is making your happiness dependent, or conditional, on whether this man, or any person, calls or doesn’t call you, sees or doesn’t see you. The second reaction is you choosing to be happy regardless of what anyone does or doesn’t do.  You’re going to live your life and enjoy it.  You realize your happiness isn’t conditional.  And you certainly aren’t going to choose to be unhappy because someone you’ve been dating stops calling you.

How Do We Set This Conditional Happiness Pattern In Motion? We learn from our parents, at a very young age, that we need to behave a certain way and then they will be happy and love us.  If we don’t behave a certain way they seem unhappy, or even angry, and it feels like they withdraw their love.

This sets in motion a life-long pattern of performing for love and expecting others to do the same. When you expect and want people to behave a certain way so you can be happy, you are trying to control them and you are giving your power away.  

Do you like it when someone wants you to behave in a certain way so they can feel good?  Not likely.  I know I don’t like it. You aren’t responsible for their happiness.  And if you begin altering your behavior to please them, you’ll loose your freedom.  Because what makes someone happy one minute can change in the next minute and then what do you do?  Alter your behavior again?  Not unless you want to live a miserable life.

So why would you want someone to behave in a way that makes you happy?  Aren’t you setting up the same set of circumstances for them that I just described above for you?  Yes you are. We are supposed to be free!  We are supposed to be happy, enjoy our lives, have fun, feel and share joy and love.  If you are letting yourself be controlled or trying to control another person, you aren’t feeling any of those good things.

What Works Better? Realizing happiness has nothing to do with outside circumstances, and is a choice you make about how you want to feel.  A glorious, freeing choice.  A glorious feeling. Your personal happiness has nothing to do with whether a person calls or doesn’t call, does or doesn’t respond to your texts, loves or doesn’t love you.

Happiness is a choice.  After all, didn’t you choose to feel happy when he was calling?  That was a choice!  Once you realize that your feelings are choices, then you get off the roller coaster of emotions.  And you have a calmer, more peaceful life.  A happier life! Remember it doesn’t feel good when someone wants you to behave in a certain way so they can be happy, so don’t do it to someone else.  Don’t expect someone to behave in a way so you can be happy.  You’ll be a prisoner of your expectations.  Remember, you came here to be free, to experience joy and love, not be a prisoner of your thoughts!

So let people do whatever they need to do.  Take care of your own life.  Live your own life.

I know you haven’t been trained in this way of thinking.  And I know it takes work because I had to work to change my perspective around happiness.  And did I ever get tested.  And you know what, I’m thankful I did, because now I really know I choose happiness, no matter what.

And I know you can do the same thing.  I teach this to people every day.  Happiness is a choice.  Love is a choice.  Feeling joy and sharing it is a choice. And if the man never calls back, thank him energetically for the opportunity to practice being happy no matter what.  Get out into the world with your loving, pure, fun energy and attract another person.  Men and women love optimistic, fun, light-filled people.  Ever notice the space you’re in when you attracted someone truly special?  You were probably feeling good.

Start by listening to some upbeat music.  Go out dancing.  Go workout and get your endorphins flowing.  Watch a funny movie or TV show.  Do something to start to shift your energy.  Then once you’re in that space, begin to work on your mindset of happiness. Choose to be happy.  Abraham says to focus on it for 17 seconds, then expand it to 68 seconds and you will begin to shift your vibration.  In this case, to happiness.

Talk out loud about all the things and people you are thankful for, past and present.  Imagine and talk about what you want to create in your life.  And every time you have a negative thought replace it with a positive one. Choose to be happy!  It isn’t conditional, it’s a choice!

Imagine the possibilities….

© Carol Chanel


For some great information about how to get and stay happy, I love listening to the Abraham-Hicks monthly workshops. They are available for $15 a month on a CD. Go to their website and check it out and see what else resonates with you. It is truly upbeat and fabulous material.

Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

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You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach 

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