Insecure in Relationships?

Feeling insecure about a relationship is a lot like lower back pain: most of us experience it at one time or another and its curable once we know what causes it and what to do to avoid it.

This “pain” is most acute in romantic relationships and can really bring out our insecurities. Insecure – lacking self-confidence.

Here’s the interesting thing. Almost everyone is insecure about some aspect of themselves. So if almost everyone has something they worry about, or don’t feel confident about, then how can they make you feel better about yourself? They can’t. They’re busy trying to get ahead or just get by in this world.

What causes you to feel insecure in relationships?

What can you do to feel more secure in a romantic relationship?

And who can you be to allow confidence instead of insecurity to fill you and guide you?


The biggest cause is the need for validation – from someone else. No one can validate you. Not really. It’s not going to happen often enough, with the right words, at the right time, in the right way. It’s not going to be enough. Only you can validate you and ultimately it only matters that we acknowledge our connection to the Divine and then we are truly validated.

On a more human level you might be choosing the wrong person for yourself. If you are a person who likes lots of attention, you’re probably not going to do well with a man or woman who is completely involved in their own lives with very little to spare for you.

Or if you like to share activity you might not want to get involved with a man who plops down in front of the TV and calls it a night – at 6 p.m.

Be honest with yourself about what you like, what works and what doesn’t work for you. And then make choices that support your likes.

Other causes – and we all suffer from these – come from our childhood or adolescent years. Most of us didn’t escape those early teen years without feeling gawky, unattractive or some form of embarrassment.

But now you’re an adult. Take an objective look at yourself and move on past those years. That could be an excuse to avoid being intimate.

Insecurity comes from not valuing yourself. And then expecting someone else to value you. When they don’t – look out, you crash. And then your self-confidence really plummets.


So in order to feel more secure you need to boost your self-confidence. It’s time to be honest here. There are four areas – emotional, spiritual, physical and mental – that need to be addressed.

What are some of your good qualities? The things your mother praises about you, the things your best friend notices and points out.

If you’ve forgotten what those qualities are – ask a friend, family member, or an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Choose someone you trust.

Then work on the physical part. What is it you really need to change? You know the one or two things you don’t like about yourself.

Have you stopped exercising and don’t feel fit, healthy or toned? Do you get out of breath easily? Are your clothes tight and uncomfortable?

Are you smoking again, when you’d stopped and felt really good about yourself?

Start with one thing that will allow you to feel better about yourself. Something easy. Something achievable. You will build momentum.

Then take a look at the spiritual part – what is your spiritual life like? Do you believe in a higher power? If so, are you in gratitude for the things you do have? Like two arms, legs, a healthy heart. Or do you complain about what you don’t have?

Gratitude lifts your self-confidence by strengthening your core.

Are you giving and loving to others? If you want to feel better about yourself – give love to others. A generous heart works every time.

To lift up the mental part look at what information you are soaking up. Are you watching violent movies or soap operas or reading melodramatic novels? Are you glued to CNN?

The problem with those things is they connect you to low energy emotions of blame, regret, anxiety, humiliation, shame and even hatred.

Read uplifting stories, watch The Biography Channel or other interesting programming. Involve your mind in topics and with people who aren’t living in melodrama or negativity, but instead prefer to think positively and lovingly.

The emotional part will follow when you get the other three in order. Diet, exercise, spiritual growth and what your mind is exposed to, naturally affect your emotions because then you are in a loving energy field.

And if you are still suffering, then please get some professional help. There’s no shame in that. Don’t suffer on your own.


You can BE a beacon of light. You can choose to be loving. You can choose to think light filled thoughts. You can be a source of hope, inspiration, joy.

When you reconnect to the light you will feel wonderful about yourself. Yes we all have our mountains to climb. That’s life. We don’t need to choose to feel insecure because of our mountains.

I like this quote from Khan that Wayne Dyer used in his book “There’s A Spiritual Solution to Every Problem”:

“The solution to the problem of the day is the awakening of the consciousness of humanity to the divinity within.” Hazrat Inayat Khan

So take the steps to improve how you feel about yourself, to reconnect to the Divine Source. You’re not inferior. You don’t need to feel insecure. You are loved and you are able to love.

Start today and set up a plan for December to begin to increase your self-confidence. Don’t let anything be an excuse.

Love others and yourself, be in gratitude, read uplifting stories or great spiritual books, exercise and eat healthy foods, don’t make wrong choices.

imagine the possibilities

© Carol Chanel

Q & A

From Colleen, a 31-year-old interior designer in Portland, OR.

Q: Carol, I need your help. I get so insecure after four or so dates with a man. I wait for them to call me; I get needy like I’ll die if they don’t want me. I don’t like that part of myself and it drives men away. What can I do to stop being so insecure?

A: Colleen, it sounds like you are really struggling with feeling good about yourself. I want you to think of your mind like a home you are going to remodel. It has really good bones and it needs some things to show it’s full beauty.

Maybe it needs new and bigger windows to let in the light, brightly colored walls to add life and aliveness to the rooms, hardwood floors to create a solid feeling under foot, a new kitchen to allow the owner to cook sumptuous meals, and some landscaping to let the eye see beauty as you look out into the world.

Well the same is true for you. We are going to give you new thoughts to open the windows to your heart and soul. Add some exercise to bring some aliveness to your physical body. Do meditation to ground you. Change your perspectives to allow you to feast on the joy in your being and reconnecting to the Divine Source so that when you look in the mirror, you smile.

You were looking to a man to give you all those things. He can’t do it, anymore than one piece of furniture or art on the wall could bring all the changes to the home that you do when you’re remodeling.

He can’t validate you. Only you can validate yourself and connect to the light, to the Source.

So don’t get too close too quickly. Don’t look to him to be the answer to your insecurity. Heal your insecurity within and then look to date and mate.

Do the things I wrote about in the article and you will not ever need a man to validate you. You will hear lovely compliments and acknowledgments and you will smile. And you won’t need them. You’ll already know the truth.

Don’t worry after the remodel of your spirit, mind and body, you will be confident, connected and joyful.

Colleen, have fun with the process. It works!


One of the most helpful books to lift you up from insecurity and lack of confidence to a joyful and loving attitude of yourself is Wayne Dyer’s book “Your Sacred Self.”

Here’s a quote from the book about relationships:

“Dropping your personal history means dropping the belief that a failed relationship makes you a failure. There are no failed relationships. Every person who enters and exits your life does so in a mutual sharing of life’s divine lessons. Some have longer roles to play than others, but ultimately, you will return to your relationships to the absolute.”

“You do not have to ever judge yourself in negative ways because of the nature of your relationships. You can learn from them all.”

So the key to not getting insecure in relationships is to look for the learning and stay out of judgment.

Enjoy your sacred self!

Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

You can visit my website at:

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach 

TO SUBSCRIBE to this e-zine:

FEEDBACK: Your feedback is always welcome and appreciated! Write me at

PRIVACY POLICY: I respect your privacy and *DO NOT* give out, rent or sell my subscribers' names and/or e-mail addresses. You will never get an unsolicited email from a stranger as a result of joining this list.