How’s Your Dating Life?
Dating is challenging! It can be fun, horrifying or heart palpitating. It can also be all three combined on the same date.
So what can you do to enjoy your dates more? What allows you to have more fun and not end up sitting home thinking: “I’d rather watch reruns of ‘The Gong Show’ than subject myself to another dreadful date.”
STEPS TO HEALTHY, FUN DATING
First, you have to be healthy yourself. There’s no getting around this one. Then you have to want to date for the right reasons.
What are some “right” reasons?
Fun, companionship, curiosity, exploration, broadening your interests, learning how to interact with new people and learning about yourself through new people.
What are some “wrong” reasons?
Acceptance, validation, adoration, boredom, self-esteem enhancement, ego boosting, approval, completion and s*x.
Often people I coach have dating challenges because they are looking for a man to validate, approve, and complete them or boost their self-esteem.
As they learn to love, approve, validate and complete themselves, then they can go to the next step, which is dating with good boundaries.
I want to talk about this. I advise against having s*x too soon in the dating process for practical reasons. Women, and some men too, can get attached to a man who they have s*x with. And if you don’t really know who this person is and you get attached, you could be doomed to the nightmare date or boyfriend.
Give yourself time to really get to know this person. If they are truly interested, then they’ll wait. If they are only interested in s*x, then it’s good to find that out in the beginning. You could be saving yourself from the heartbreak of dating a sex addict, or a commitment-phobic.
One of my clients, I’ll call her Maggie, hadn’t dated for about two years. She had started a business and worked long days and weekends. When she came to coaching she wanted to have a personal life again.
I worked with her on setting boundaries for shorter work hours, hiring some help, exercising and eating a healthier diet.
Then she was ready to date. She didn’t know anyone so she put her profile and picture on a few internet dating services. Choosing the right wording and the best picture to represent her essence, she waited for some hits.
After some unpleasant dates, she started to communicate more before she met them in person. More emails, phone conversations. She picked safe, neutral places. Coffee instead of drinks, so that her mind was clear and she could maintain good boundaries.
She asked inquiring questions that gave her an opportunity to get to know who this man really was. Deeper, more personal information emerged.
Some examples of inquiries are:
“What needs to be in your life for you to have a full, rich life?” “How do you get unstuck in your life?” “What’s present when you are happiest?”
This type of interaction allowed her to learn the “truth” about a man sooner.
She kept strong boundaries around not having s*x with a man until she knew who he was. That way she didn’t get attached to him. She didn’t need him to approve or validate her, she wanted to have fun, to have someone to share things with; she wanted to explore and expand.
And she remained POSITIVE that the right man was out there. She knew she needed to be patient and enjoy the process.
Naturally, with a positive attitude, the right reasons and good boundaries, she met a fabulous man and they are now engaged.
One of the most important things you need to do is to believe that you can have fun, exciting, interesting dates. You must believe that the best person is out there for you. If you hear any doubt coming into your thoughts – release that doubt. You can’t have what you want and need if focus on doubt and resistance.
If you keep believing, keep working on yourself, hold strong boundaries and don’t settle for someone that doesn’t work for you, then you will meet the best person.
So set your intention, keep exploring, trust and receive.
imagine the possibilities…..
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
From Emma, a 48-year-old interior decorator from Austin, Texas:
Q: “I have been dating men who are my age or a little older and I find them too old for me. I like younger men and their higher energy levels. I don’t want them too much younger but 5 years younger is perfect.
On my profile I have to put my age and I don’t want to lie about it and I also don’t want to get put into a certain category. I don’t look my age and I feel like I’m 21!
What should I do?”
A: An ethical dilemma is always challenging. You are right that you don’t want to start off a dating relationship with a lie. And yet you can’t date men that don’t work for you.
Why don’t you put the age range of the men you want in your profile. Take charge that way.
Many emotionally mature men don’t care about age. Unless they want very young women or older rich women. And those aren’t your type of men anyway.
Your picture shows that you are youthful, healthy, attractive, in great shape. Your profile can be rewritten to reflect that you truly are young in spirit and body.
Now, I want you to reflect on something else. Stuffy, uptight, boring, low energy men (and women too) come in all ages, sizes and shapes.
So perhaps instead of focusing on age, you might want to focus on health, activity level, passion for life, living their life purpose and emotional health. Then age won’t matter.
I know plenty of young 50 and 60 year olds and low energy, inactive 30 and 40 year olds.
I recommend that you join a good health club, biking or hiking club. How about taking some photography classes and planning an active vacation with a group like Backroads?
Go to where active men are and then let their good energy, emotional health and integrity be your guide.
This book is a must for everyone who wants to have a life filled with love, kindness, beauty, abundance, purpose, health and harmony.
Dr. Wayne Dyer has done it again. When he writes a book on a subject, you get so immersed in the subject and the information pertaining to the subject that you can’t help but shift your perspective and change your life.
“THE POWER OF INTENTION” by Wayne Dyer will help you bring what you want and need into your life.
I’ve read dozens of books on manifesting and never have I read anything so complete and useful as this book.
As it relates to dating and relationships, he has a chapter on “Attracting Ideal People and Divine Relationships.”
Here’s the quote that opens the chapter:
“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur that would otherwise have never occurred…unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Here’s another quote by Dr. Dyer:
“Once you’ve formed a picture in your mind of the person or people that you intend to show up in your immediate life space, and you know how you want them to treat you and what they’ll be like, you must be what it is that you’re seeking. This is a universe of attraction and energy.”
This book goes to the top of my list of recommended reading for my clients.
Please buy it and read it today. Your life will change.
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
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You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.
Certified Life Coach
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