How’s Your Dating Life?

Dating is challenging! It can be fun, horrifying or heart palpitating. It can also be all three combined on the same date.

So what can you do to enjoy your dates more? What allows you to have more fun and not end up sitting home thinking: “I’d rather watch reruns of ‘The Gong Show’ than subject myself to another dreadful date.”

STEPS TO HEALTHY, FUN DATING

First, you have to be healthy yourself. There’s no getting around this one. Then you have to want to date for the right reasons.

What are some “right” reasons?

Fun, companionship, curiosity, exploration, broadening your interests, learning how to interact with new people and learning about yourself through new people.

What are some “wrong” reasons?

Acceptance, validation, adoration, boredom, self-esteem enhancement, ego boosting, approval, completion and s*x.

Often people I coach have dating challenges because they are looking for a man to validate, approve, and complete them or boost their self-esteem.

As they learn to love, approve, validate and complete themselves, then they can go to the next step, which is dating with good boundaries.

S*X

I want to talk about this. I advise against having s*x too soon in the dating process for practical reasons. Women, and some men too, can get attached to a man who they have s*x with. And if you don’t really know who this person is and you get attached, you could be doomed to the nightmare date or boyfriend.

Give yourself time to really get to know this person. If they are truly interested, then they’ll wait. If they are only interested in s*x, then it’s good to find that out in the beginning. You could be saving yourself from the heartbreak of dating a sex addict, or a commitment-phobic.

CLIENT EXAMPLE

One of my clients, I’ll call her Maggie, hadn’t dated for about two years. She had started a business and worked long days and weekends. When she came to coaching she wanted to have a personal life again.

I worked with her on setting boundaries for shorter work hours, hiring some help, exercising and eating a healthier diet.

Then she was ready to date. She didn’t know anyone so she put her profile and picture on a few internet dating services. Choosing the right wording and the best picture to represent her essence, she waited for some hits.

After some unpleasant dates, she started to communicate more before she met them in person. More emails, phone conversations. She picked safe, neutral places. Coffee instead of drinks, so that her mind was clear and she could maintain good boundaries.

She asked inquiring questions that gave her an opportunity to get to know who this man really was. Deeper, more personal information emerged.

Some examples of inquiries are:

“What needs to be in your life for you to have a full, rich life?” “How do you get unstuck in your life?” “What’s present when you are happiest?”

This type of interaction allowed her to learn the “truth” about a man sooner.

She kept strong boundaries around not having s*x with a man until she knew who he was. That way she didn’t get attached to him. She didn’t need him to approve or validate her, she wanted to have fun, to have someone to share things with; she wanted to explore and expand.

And she remained POSITIVE that the right man was out there. She knew she needed to be patient and enjoy the process.

Naturally, with a positive attitude, the right reasons and good boundaries, she met a fabulous man and they are now engaged.

BELIEVE

One of the most important things you need to do is to believe that you can have fun, exciting, interesting dates. You must believe that the best person is out there for you. If you hear any doubt coming into your thoughts – release that doubt. You can’t have what you want and need if focus on doubt and resistance.

If you keep believing, keep working on yourself, hold strong boundaries and don’t settle for someone that doesn’t work for you, then you will meet the best person.

So set your intention, keep exploring, trust and receive.

imagine the possibilities…..

© Carol Chanel