How Your Ego Holds You Hostage

Catherine is a client of mine who was taken hostage by her ego. She was so unhappy because she felt unlovable. She thought if she could just draw in a man who would love her, then she would believe or know she was lovable.

And who could blame her for thinking that way or trying that approach. It seems so logical. Unfortunately it just doesn’t work that way. It wasn’t working for her.

Catherine was also scared. She was scared someone was going to hurt her, reject her, disregard her or try to control her.

That had been her experience. And the more she looked to men to convince her she was lovable the more bad experiences she had. So she had drawn the “logical” conclusion – she was unlovable.

Negative Self-Talk

Everyone seems to believe negative things about themselves? Why? It’s just the ego talking. Why do you believe the ego?

The ego can say the meanest things or the most discouraging things and you’ll believe it. Then most people end up feeling awful about themselves. And we wonder why it’s challenging to have exciting, passionate, healthy relationships.

Well you don’t have to listen to your ego any more. You just need to learn to listen to your heart and soul instead.

Your Heart and Soul’s Voice

Your heart and soul say kind, loving and supportive things about you. “You did great work on that assignment!” “Congratulations on trusting your intuition and not taking that route.” “Way to go – you got a B on that test! With all the things you had going on in your life, that’s awesome.”

Maybe you can’t hear your heart and soul saying positive, uplifting things because the ego’s voice is too loud. If so, quiet it down. There are three powerful ways to do that: meditation, focused breathing and quiet time. (More on those techniques later.)

Maybe you can hear your heart and soul but you’re used to listening to your ego, so it’s easier. Or maybe it sounds more persuasive.

If that’s the case, you can look at how it’s working for you to listen to your ego. It’s probably not working well. Life works better when we operate from the love and purity of our heart and soul. So perhaps you’ll make a renewed effort to listen to your heart and soul.

Why Listen to Your Heart and Soul

So if your life isn’t working as well as you would like it, remember one thing – your thoughts create your reality. So be determined to listen to your heart and tell your ego to go take a long, long, long walk. And never come back.

Don’t Expect Others To Do Your Work

Maybe you’re looking for evidence from the outside world to stop believing your ego and to trust your heart and soul. Here’s some reality: that will NEVER happen. Circumstances, other people and situations will always reflect your thoughts. You get what you think about, whether you want it or not. Your thoughts create your reality.

So if you want a different reality, change your thoughts. No one can prove or disprove a thought your ego has about you. Only you allow your ego to hold you hostage. Only you can change your thoughts and then change your reality.

So for instance, suppose you think you’re not smart. And you want someone to validate that you are – well you will always attract people who will treat you as if you aren’t smart. Or you won’t believe them if they tell you how smart you are.

What if you think you’re not thin enough, pretty enough, talented enough. Whatever word goes in front of the word “enough” doesn’t matter. You aren’t going to have evidence to convince you because you are putting out thoughts of negativity about yourself and that is exactly what you will get back. Negative reactions. Or no reactions. Or whatever your fear is – that’s what you’ll get back. Like attracts like. You get what you think about whether you want it or not.

Usually no matter what it is you don’t like about yourself, you make people work really hard to convince you. But you won’t be convinced. Because you are allowing your ego to hold you hostage. And people will give up trying. It’s just too much work.

What you get back will continue to convince you that your ego is right and you are unworthy, unlovable, undesirable.It’s all a LIE! And the worst part is, you are choosing to believe the lie. You are allowing yourself to be held hostage by your ego.

We’ve all done it. That is until we decide to stop. Get mad at your ego. Stop being nice to it.

Why You Don’t Want to Listen to Your Ego

Wayne Dyer, in his new book, “Inspiration” says “ego” is an acronym for “edging God out.” Ouch! You are allowing negativity to edge out the Divine Source of love. You came from God, Divine Source, whatever name you want to use, it doesn’t matter. You came from love and you are love. At your core you are love. That means you are lovable.

Yet, you’re letting your negative voice disconnect you from love, joy, peace, enlightenment and great relationships. You are letting your ego tell you at your core you are unlovable or unworthy or not good enough. NO!! You are love!

You Want Love?

Remember your thoughts create your reality. If you want love, joy, a partner, a great job, and /or to live your purpose then start connecting. Start choosing to remember you came from Love, you are Love and your life can have all the love and joy you can stand.

You have to believe that! No one can do that for you. No one can make you feel worthy of love. You want love, love yourself, love others and love Source. Stop that negative voice. It’s a lie. Stop choosing to believe the lie.

Get mad! Anger is good, it’s empowering. You won’t feel powerless, or despairing if you’re angry.

Quieting the Ego

Here are some powerful tools for quieting the ego:

Breathing – purposeful breathing. Exhale. Then slowly inhale. Exhale. Slowly inhale. Then to a count of 3, 5 or 10 (whatever you can do) inhale, hold the inhale to a count of 3, 5, or 10 and slowly exhale to a count of 3, 5 or 10. Do this 10 times, 3 times a day. Your will be so calm, so peaceful, so connected that your ego won’t stand a chance.

Meditation – after you’ve done your breathing exercise, sit quietly. Set a timer for 10 to 15 minutes and just let your mind relax. If you start thinking of something – that’s okay – just notice it and let it go. Go back to slow breathing.

Quiet Time – go out and sit somewhere peaceful, maybe somewhere in nature. Do your breathing and then just be quiet. Don’t do anything. Just let the beauty of nature fill you with good energy. You will hear your intuition and Source, if you’re quiet.

If you do one or two of those three things every day, you will begin to connect to Source, and nothing quiets the ego quicker than connecting to Source. And you can hear Source’s guidance and love, only in the quiet. So being quiet is the most positive thing you can do for yourself.

Let the love of God / Divine Source / Spirit fill you. Don’t Edge God Out, don’t let your ego rule ruin your life.

“The memory of God (Source) comes to a quiet mind. It cannot come where there is conflict; for a mind at war against itself remembers not eternal gentleness…What you remember is a part of you. For you must be as God (Source) created you…Let all this madness be undone for you, and turn in peace to the remembrance of God (Source), still shining in your quiet mind.” A Course in Miracles

Choose to quiet your mind. Choose to hear, live and act from loving thoughts. Choose to consciously and loving create your reality.

imagine the possibilities…

© Carol Chanel

Q & A

Instead of a question today, I want to share with you how Catherine, from the main article, changed her negative thinking and changed her life.

Remember she had a core belief that she was unlovable.
 She kept arguing for her belief like it was written in stone. So we worked on helping her see that it wasn’t her heart that was telling her she was unlovable, it was her ego.

To make matters worse, the way she presented herself to the men was counterproductive. She attracted men who were unavailable, didn’t like themselves, weren’t able to accept or love themselves or her. Her belief kept getting reinforced.

Remember that she was waiting for someone to prove she was lovable.

We worked on the Laws of the Universe that tells us our thoughts create our reality. We worked on the idea that you get what you think about whether you want it or not.

She intellectually knew this was true and could see it working in other parts of her life, but not in her love life.

Catherine was really scared. She was scared someone was going to hurt her. She was scared that a man might be mean and make her feel awful about herself. She was afraid she would have a controlling man in her life.

So first we worked on helping her appreciate herself. Then we worked on helping her strengthen her ability to recognize the wrong kind of men, and then how to handle them if they came into her life.

In other words she learned to value herself. She learned boundaries, firm speaking, how not to be nice, yet how to be kind and firm, how to stand up for herself without being nasty.

She ultimately felt better about herself, wasn’t scared any longer and stopped looking to men to make her feel good about herself.

She learned what men liked and why, and then from that place she attracted – without any makeup, by the way –a wonderful man. It’s almost always the case, that women attract men they are likely to spend a lot of time with when they aren’t all made up. Why? Because a woman is more relaxed like that and men respond to that relaxed energy.

Catherine is now engaged to the man she met that day. She worked to value, appreciate and stand up for herself. She realized she didn’t need a man to convince her, just share life and love with her.


I want to share a wonderful concept with you – hiring a professional organizer to help make your life easier and flow better.

I have hired them on several occasions and each time I’m so thrilled with the results. They think differently than we do so they are able to see solutions where I just saw problems. They help you get rid of things you don’t use or need any more. They can help you sell items and / or help you find them a good home, instead of just collecting dust, or being boxed up.

The website where a lot of organizers are registered is:

I find that living and working in a space that is free of clutter, easy to use, organized and contains only what I really want is worth every cent I’ve ever paid for an organizer.

And the way the Universe works is that when you clear space, when you let go of what is no longer working for you, you open up for the Universe to send you the things you do want.

Just pick an organizer you like and who will listen to you – interview several so you get the right fit. You’ll be thrilled with the results.

Happy Flow!!!

Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

You can visit my website at:

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach 

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