Don’t Set Yourself Up!

How do you sometimes create what you don’t want? By setting yourself up.

When you set yourself up in a relationship the end result is that you will get rejected, criticized, mistreated or abandoned – obviously the things you don’t want.

Let me give you an example of setting yourself up so you can see if you might unconsciously be doing it.

Examples Of A Set Up

One of my clients, I’ll call her Sara, was very concerned about men rejecting her. She had previous experiences of rejection. Whenever Sara started dating someone new her ego would scream at her that she would get rejected again.

When Sara first started coaching with me she was dating a man she met on the Internet. I’m all for using the Internet as a way of meeting potential dating partners. But she had started dating someone who lived five hours away from her, who had a demanding job that frequently required him to work weekends. So they were only able to get together twice a month on the weekends.

Sara was setting herself up for rejection, or at least what would look like and feel like rejection. That’s not a great situation for anyone, but for someone with a rejection issue, it’s a set up.

Now that’s an obvious set up. Using the same rejection issue, let’s look at a less obvious set up.Suppose you’ve met someone you want to date. It’s your first date, and you’re somewhat uncomfortable. After all it’s a first date. You’ve had some prior phone conversations though, so you have some sense about the man and his interests. But on the first date you act reserved. You don’t talk much, instead you make him do all the talking.

Guess what he thinks about you? You’re not interested in him. You’ve just made him work really hard to have a nice evening. Will he want to ask you out again? No! Men want to know you appreciate them and their efforts. You have just set yourself up for rejection.

Watch out for the set up. You don’t need to do that to yourself or the other person. What works better is to deal with whatever core issue you have before you start dating again. For your sake and theirs.

A core issue can be fear of rejection, abandonment, criticism or emotional abuse. You might feel unlovable, insecure, not good enough or jealous.

Why Do You Set Yourself Up?

Because the ego wants to be right about whatever it’s says about you. If you think you aren’t lovable then you might behave in a way that has a person eventually have to work too hard to love you – a big set up. If you have a fear of being judged then the ego might set up situations where you will choose a man or a woman who is critical. Thus you set yourself up to be criticized. A person who doesn’t have that core issue, will walk away from a judgmental person after the first date

Whatever your core issue is it will get triggered when you’re dating or in a relationship. That’s a given. But if you’ve worked on your issue, you’ll be able to recognize it and deal with it before it turns into a set up and the person walks away.

Don’t set yourself up to fail. Don’t set others up to fail. It’s not fair to either one of you.

What To Do Instead

Instead heal your core issue. Then when it comes up, you’ll notice it immediately. You’ll feel it, if you’re paying attention to your feelings. Remember they are there to guide you. Don’t ignore them. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

You are lovable. You are good enough. You are worthy of love, partnership, friendship and joy.

Choose to value yourself. Choose to know your worth. Choose to love yourself and others. 
Imagine the possibilities…

© Carol Chanel