“Do You Have a Type?”
Are all your love relationships similar?
My clients often say: “this new relationship is similar to my
previous relationship. In fact, in reminds me of the one before
that, oh, and the one before that one too.”
So what is the client referencing and why are they all similar?
Is she attracted to a certain type?
Perhaps a woman goes for the strong silent type. Or the
outgoing, romantic, charming type. Or they like successful men
who are so busy that they don’t give time to the women in their
lives. Maybe a woman is unfortunately attracted to abusive men
or really smart men. Or a certain ethnicity.
Is any of this sounding familiar?
Do you have a type of man that you are attracted to?
And why would you continually choose to be with the same type of
man that didn’t work for you in the first place?
What are you looking for?
Most women are looking for something from a relationship.
WHAT WOMEN LOOK FOR
Some women are seeking validation from a type of man that reminds
them of their father.
Or the opposite of their father.
Or a man that reminds them of their first love.
Usually it’s the type of man that a woman thinks will give her what she
needs or wants in her life.
Maybe a successful man so that she can be a mom, and have their
children go to college, without having to struggle.
Maybe she wants a man who will take care of her emotional needs.
Maybe her previous boyfriend or husband cheated on her and she
wants someone to validate, value or re-establish her self-esteem.
Maybe she wants someone who is fun and outgoing – someone
to be playful with and have a good time.
Is any of this sounding familiar? Do you recognize your type?
Here’s the catch: each of these “types” come with a price tag, if you
are looking for them to DO something for you.
The fun man may not have any substance, the successful man may
be cold and unloving. The romantic man will need another woman
WHAT NOT TO DO
Don’t think you can CHANGE this man! Don’t try to CHANGE him.
Whatever you do, don’t go unconscious and ignore certain signs.
Don’t for a second think that your love will heal him and that he’ll
suddenly change. Men and women change because they want to
and only when they are ready.
If you are comfortable with a man who is remote – that’s great. If you
don’t care if he is responsible and handles things around the house,
or in his life – that’s great. If you want a quick validation from a man
and won’t be hurt when he leaves – that’s great.
But don’t try to change them. It won’t work.
WHAT TO DO
Look to see why you are continuing to attract and be attracted to
this type of man.
What are you looking for? What does being with this type of man
mean about you?
Maybe it means: “If I am with a man who is successful, smart and
works hard then I am worthy of this type of man. If I am with
a man who is fun, charming and romantic, I must be valuable.”
Look to see what being with this type means to you.
When you identify your perspective – your thoughts about the
type of man you are attracted to – then you can consciously choose
your man. Then you have a chance to be happy.
WHY BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
What are healthy reasons to be in a relationship?
Love, companionship, growth, learning, sharing, joy.
Notice I didn’t say validation, value, self-worth or self-esteem.
Can those things occur in a relationship? Yes. But if they are
the reason you are going into the relationship – it is doomed
before it gets started.
Work on yourself first. Go work with a therapist, coach or healer,
someone who can help you with your personal issues.
Then you won’t need a relationship for the wrong reasons, you’ll
enjoy it for all the good reasons – love, joy, partnership, etc.
Once you are clear on your reasons for wanting a relationship,
once you have healed many of your wounds – then you can enjoy
the right kind of relationship for you.
Then you can share love, companionship, joy, excitement, fun and
imagine the possibilities…..
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
From Diane in Dallas – a 34 year old creative director:
Q: “I seem to always attract men who are too busy to spend time
with me. It hurts me when we get close and then they distance.
What can I do? I want to marry a successful man and have kids.
I know he’ll be busy but not this busy.”
A: Great observation! Noticing that you attract a certain type of
man and that it doesn’t feel good. That’s the first step to changing
your behavior and choices.
Men who are determined to be successful will often put their careers
ahead of their relationships. For some women this is fine, because
they are busy too. For others it doesn’t work.
Here’s what I know to be true. Balancing your love life and career is
a choice. How much time you want to put into each is a choice. Some
men want a successful career, no matter the cost to their personal
Don’t think you can change him. He has to change. He has to
decide how he wants to prioritize his time.
I know it feels awful after being intimate with a man to have him
pull away. Please don’t take it personally. He’s doing what he’s
always done — focusing on his career, at the expense of his heart.
I know the hurt comes from the disconnection. For a woman there
is nothing like that soul to soul, heart to heart connection. Once
experienced it’s so painful when it’s taken away.
Dianne – don’t settle for a man that makes you feel badly.
The man you want will be able to balance love and career, to
your mutual satisfaction.
Don’t settle. You’re a goddess and there is an ideal match for you.
In keeping with the theme about not feeling rejected, I want
to recommend two fabulous books that will give you amazing
insights into this subject.
“The Four Agreements” and “The Mastery of Love” both by
Don Miguel Ruiz. Please read “The Four Agreements”
They changed my life and most of my clients feel the same way
about the benefits of these two books. Everyone can benefit
from his insights.
They are in paperback, small books and are easy to read.
Here’s to being happy and in love!
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
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Certified Life Coach
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