Disastrous Relationships – 3 Steps from Disastrous to Fabulous
A lot of my clients when they first come to me think that something is wrong with them because they aren’t in a passionate, fun, romantic relationship.
Instead, they seem to end up with the same harmful type of person, again and again. And the outcome is almost always the same – they feel badly about themselves when the relationship ends. “Another disastrous relationship!”
You can stop attracting disastrous people and start attracting fun, passionate and romantic relationships that are also healthy!
I want to teach you three crucial steps for how to get rid of disastrous people and replace them with fun, passionate, romantic, healthy men and women.
The first step is easy. You want to start by paying attention to how you feel when you’re with a person. Your feelings – like wise counsels – tell you what’s really going on inside you. Is this a good person for you, or a not so good person for you? How do you feel when you’re with a person?
Why are you attracted to that disastrous person?
Let’s start by having you look at what makes the person disastrous? Are they unavailable – emotionally, physically or spiritually? Are they critical and controlling? Are they exciting in the beginning and then drop you after they’ve “caught” you? Do they make demands on your time and energy, or are they aloof and uninterested?
What defines “disastrous” about this person? Be very clear here.
Don’t judge yourself though. This is the time for understanding and kindness. You’re just accepting that in the past you were attracted to this type of person.
Then with compassionate eyes, take a look at how it’s serving you to attract these types of people. Do they remind you of your father who never loved you the way you wanted him to? Do they remind you of the unattainable guy / girl in high school or college? Or do they seem exciting and fun and that’s missing in your life? Or are they a challenge? There is something you are wanting from continually allowing these people into your love life or life in general.
There isn’t one easy answer. I know I used to choose men who reminded me of my father – smart, unemotional, responsible, slim, handsome and rejecting. Oh boy were they disastrous. So I’m talking from personal experience here.
Step 3 – THE BEST FOR LAST
Whatever the answer is, there’s one crucial piece of information you need: if you are choosing disastrous people you are choosing from your ego, not from your heart!
It’s your ego that wants the person to love you, to think you’re worthy, attractive, smart, hip or good enough. Your heart already knows how precious you are and just wants to share love, passion, fun, trust and romance.
Once you’re clear on why you’re so attracted to this man or woman and you understand it’s your ego that’s driving this – then make a decision. Do you want to let your ego run your life, or do you want your heart to be in charge?
The choice is yours – ego and disastrous, or heart and fabulous!
When you choose to let your heart guide you — you’ll listen to your intuition and be guided to do what works for you in relationships, you won’t lose yourself because you won’t chose a man who wants you to; you’ll attract healthy people who are also fun and passionate; you’ll be in a relationship that enriches your life.
Let your heart choose. Quiet the ego – tell it to go take a long, long nap.
imagine the possibilities…
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
From Lori, a 32-year-old paramedic in Minneapolis
Q: Carol, help! If I date one more man who turns out to be unavailable, I’m going to stop dating forever and give up hope. Men are really attracted to me, they come on strong and then when I fall for them, they run off. It’s always some lame excuse.
A: Lori, please don’t give up hope. You will be able to figure this out. First, the men who come on strong are usually after one thing – the chase. Once they “capture” you, then they need to move on to the next chase.
So if a man comes on too strong – run as fast as you can.Become quickly unavailable.
Healthy men want to find out who the woman is and don’t need to rush the relationship. They have their own lives, careers, and good friends they want to spend time with. In other words – they are exciting and well balanced.
So if you like someone and he’s trying to move things too fast – speak up, tell him you need to go slower. See what happens. At first he may think it’s more of a challenge and go for it. So eyes wide open here. If he then tries to push you again, you know you’re dealing with a “chaser.” And, here’s the good news, maybe he just needs good boundaries and once you tell him to slow down, he might get it and do just that. Most men are good guys and just need some guidance.
I also want to ask you to shift your energy. It can be flattering – but only to the ego – to have a man chase you. But it’s death to the heart if that’s all they want.
So don’t let your ego talk you out of paying close attention. Look for signs. There is chasing, and then there is out right unhealthy pursuit.
Lori, let your heart guide you. Make a list of the qualities you want in a man. Then set an intention to attract that type of man, and that’s who you’ll find sitting across from you at the breakfast table.
Happy dating available, fun, passionate, romantic, and healthy men!
One of the most effective things you can do to open your heart and quiet your mind is yoga. You just need to set an intention to find a wise teacher who will assist you in learning, stretching and strengthening. I’ve mentioned Kundalini yoga before because I love it and love the yogi who teaches it here in LA.
And all yoga is designed to open your heart so find a convenient class, a teacher you like and let your body, mind, heart and soul stretch to new heights.
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
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Certified Life Coach
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