Change the Way You Look at Love … And the love you look at changes

Recently I’ve observed a tricky pattern in many women that leads to disastrous relationships.

Women are choosing men from their ego and not from their heart.

Then when the relationship falls apart they get depressed and feel rejected. But you can’t choose a good relationship from your ego’s perspective. You’ll attract the wrong kind of man – a disastrous man.

I’m going to intentionally provoke you here – better to do it here so you can avoid having another disastrous relationship.

So let’s figure out what choosing from your ego looks like and then try to help you choose from your heart.

Five Ways the Ego Chooses

The first and most obvious way your ego chooses involves reasons like, choosing a man because of his status, car, job, family, or education.

Or your ego might choose him because you find him mentally stimulating, incredibly clever or challenging.

Now here’s where it gets a little tricky. What’s wrong with incredibly clever? Nothing, if there are other heart-centered traits to go along with that cleverness. What’s wrong with challenging? Nothing if he balances that with an open heart and mind most of the time.

The second way your ego can choose is to go after the aloof man. A woman will often go after the aloof man because she thinks her love will be enough to win him over. Your love isn’t going to change him. Unless you love aloof men and are willing to deal with that energy, keep trusting and get moving.

The third way your ego chooses is to believe you can rescue the poor guy who’s been mistreated by his ex, someone in his family or boss.

That’s ego too. A man doesn’t want to be rescued by a woman. If he wants sympathy for being a victim, he’s likely to stay a victim. Ask any woman who has married such a man, if 10 years later he suddenly became victorious over his victimhood. Do you really want to live with a victim? I don’t think so. Can they work on themselves and change? You bet. Let them do that on their own time, using their own energy, not yours.

The fourth way your ego chooses is from fear. I better settle for this man – even though he’s not quite right because I’m getting older, I’m not as successful, smart, se*y, sophisticated as other women. He’s a nice man so why not?

Why not? Because you can’t settle and be happy. You don’t need to settle. You can change your thoughts and change who you attract.

The fifth way you might choose from your ego is to want a man to validate you. This is the worst. What’s the energy you put out when you want to be validated? Are you strong, assured, confident, warm, loving, heart-centered, open and trusting? Are you feeling like a goddess? No way.

So if you aren’t strong, confident, warm and loving, then you’re likely to be either distant – a challenge – or needy. Men who are attracted to a challenge will conquer you and throw you away. Men who are attracted to a needy woman will be controlling and that gets really painful.

Choosing From Your Heart

Now you know what choosing from the ego looks like. What does choosing from your heart look and feel like?

How you feel around the man is the best indicator. Are you joyful, alive, feeling cherished, precious? Does he listen to you, honor you, enjoy your input? Do you have fun with him? Do you feel good when you’re with him?

Is he warm, sharing, open, kind, firm, humble, strong, smart and se*y?

Does he love you?

That is where women get tripped up. Right there – when a man really loves a woman it is a glorious energy to experience and witness.

I had the great fortune of having lunch with a client, I’ll call her Sally, and meeting her new boyfriend. WOW! I’m still feeling energized, uplifted, joyful and inspired by his love for her. (She worked steadily and diligently on herself to get to this point. It wasn’t luck.)

I know what it feels like to be loved by a man. Because my husband loves me in a way that is beyond words. And it’s something that I didn’t always understand. I didn’t understand what it looked like and how it felt. I had it all twisted up with the “mental” notion of how it should look and feel.

It took some very smart women pointing things out to me for me to get it. Thank goodness they did.

Now, I’m not telling you to settle for a guy that doesn’t make your heart sing. No way. I just want you to look at this idea – this pattern I’ve observed – and see if there is anything here for you to learn.

Do you know why I think women don’t go for the love? We’re afraid. Honestly, I was right there at the head of the line. Oh, I wouldn’t have admitted it. But it was true. I was terrified of the intimacy, the love, the vulnerability.

If you are interested in a man who doesn’t love you, cherish you, or want to spend time with you, then you don’t have to be intimate or vulnerable. You don’t have to open your heart and let him in. You don’t have to risk, trust and surrender.

Women will all say, “Oh no, I want intimacy.” Well is that what you have? If so, then you know you want it. If not, then maybe you haven’t been ready.

Get Ready for True Love

Don’t be upset or mean to yourself, if in the past, your ego chose. You didn’t know then, now you do. Look for one good thing you got from that relationship.

There are some ways that will help you get ready for true love.

To be intimate, vulnerable, to trust and surrender, you need good boundaries. You need to be clear about what’s important to you. You need to know yourself.

And most importantly you need to trust yourself — to pay attention, to be conscious, to implement your boundaries, to not lose yourself in the relationship, to stand up for yourself and to take care of yourself.

The benefit of working on yourself is you learn about yourself, you learn what you like and don’t like. You learn to be conscious, to have good boundaries and to trust yourself. You learn to choose a man to satisfy the heart, not the ego.

So if you honestly can look at your life and say, “well maybe it does feel scary to think about being truly intimate, vulnerable and to surrender.” Then that’s a great starting place.

Think about doing some coaching, therapy, hypnotherapy, spiritual studying and meditation.

You will find before too long that the old you – the one who needed your ego to choose to protect you – has quieted down. You’ll find that you are stronger than you think you are. Strong enough to stand up for yourself. Strong enough to be conscious about who the man really is. Strong enough not to fool yourself or be fooled. Wise enough to trust yourself. And powerful enough to draw a really good man to you the way my client, Sally, has.

So if you’ve had one too many disastrous relationships, or no relationships to speak of, look and see how you’re choosing. See what energy you are putting out there.

You have to risk being yourself to attract the man that wants to be with YOU.

Choose from your heart. You’re a Goddess! You might have forgotten it and it doesn’t change the fact. So let your Goddess self come out and play.

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer, “The Power of Intention”

imagine the possibilities….

© Carol Chanel

Q & A

From Heidi, a 32-year-old stock broker from Minneapolis

Q: Carol, I have always chosen men who were in related careers. I find that I don’t usually feel comfortable with these men. They’re very aggressive, focused on their career, and interested in making lots of money. It doesn’t leave a lot of time for a relationship.

Not too long ago I dated an artist and while it didn’t work out for a long-term relationship, I learned that he was easier to be around.

I just don’t want to marry a starving artist type. Is that wrong? Can I have it both ways?

A: Heidi, this is a great question. Yes you can have it both ways. Congratulations on seeing the value of a different type of man for yourself. And congratulations on being true to yourself that you didn’t want to marry a starving artist.

I imagine that being with him allowed you to be softer, maybe more sensual and relaxed. For a woman, that’s so important.

There will be businessmen who have softer sides, who are also creative and who will allow you to feel softer when you’re with them.

There will be artists who have made money, who aren’t starving and who will be good at handling money or have hired someone who is.

What’s most important is that you let your heart choose and that you pay attention to the things that work and don’t work.

Keep setting your intention, being conscious and choosing from your heart. Before long you’ll be with your true love.

Heidi, keep believing!


There is a lovely book I want to share with you.

“LOVE AND AWAKENING” by John Welwood. The subtitle is, “Discovering the Sacred Path of Intimate Relationship”

“Love and Awakening” presents an “integrated psychospiritual approach, providing both a larger vision and a practical method, or path, for realizing a loving relationship. The first half of the book shows how every psychological obstacle in a relationship provides a special kind of spiritual opportunity. As love opens us up, it also brings us up against fears and resistances that cause us to contract and shut down.”

Drawing on his psychotherapy practice and conversations from his patients, John Welwood opens us up to a new way of having intimate relationships.

A valuable book for anyone wanting guidance to the spiritual, and practical path of intimate relationships.

Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

You can visit my website at:

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach 

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