5 Steps to Living Softly

Last week I returned from an amazing vacation. Nine glorious days at a beautiful resort, Casa del Mar, in Baja. Baja is a several hundred mile-long sliver of desert bordered by the Sea of Cortez on one side, and the Pacific on the other.

The power and beauty of the ocean always fills me with peaceful energy. The waves can be rough, throwing you in the air and knocking you off your feet, or gentle, allowing you to float on the surface with the warmth of the sun on your face.

One day, we ventured to a different beach where the locals swim. The undertow is minimal so it’s safe for children. As I was getting out of the water, I got knocked off my feet and my bathing suit filled with tiny stones. It was actually funny and yet it reminded me of what it feels like to encounter rough energy.

The people in Mexico have always been among my favorite. They are heart-centered people, who take care of their spirits and bodies. They take afternoon siestas and then have dinner under the stars in their beautiful flower filled, fragrant courtyard gardens. They have an ease to the way they live and move.

Feeling Soft and Graceful

There is softness in the air. The women are soft and sensual. Mexican women don’t think they have to be skinny to be sexy. They almost float with grace. Their warm hearts lift your spirits.

I want you to know something. When I was younger, I never felt soft or graceful. In my 20’s, 30’s and part of my 40’s, I was a driven businesswoman, trying to prove my worth. I was always comparing myself to other women and I didn’t like myself very much.

During my trip I noticed a lot of women didn’t like themselves. I could feel and see it in their facial expressions, the way they carried themselves, the way they spoke and in their energy fields. They were tense, rigid, uptight, uncomfortable in their skin. I recognized it because I had been there.

Why Women Don’t Like Themselves?

So I wondered why so many women don’t like themselves? I know as a coach, that it has nothing to do with how a woman looks, how much money she makes, what kind of family she’s from, or if she has a boyfriend or husband.

I think most women have gotten disconnected from their true selves. They’ve forgotten how to be fluid, soft and sensual. They’ve forgotten what there is to like being a woman. As a result, women compare themselves to other women. They always find something better in the other women and then put themselves down. Sound familiar?

Who Are We?

So if we aren’t our bodies, our jobs, our roles in life, then who are we?

We are women. And that, in and of itself, is fabulous. Think of it. Watch women. We’re loving, kind, strong, beautiful – each in our own way, warm, friendly. We love our friends and show it. We compliment each other. Share from our hearts. Would you please tell me what isn’t to like about all those things?

When did we decide that the shape of our nose, legs, teeth, and other parts of our anatomy had anything to do with whether we liked ourselves or not. I’m not even talking about loving ourselves. This is just like.

You are a Goddess! Stop comparing your outer life with any one else’s. If you want something different, find out if you really want it, then go for it.

Choosing to Live Softly

When you choose what feels good, when you are in harmony with your spirit, when you are connected to your heart, when you aren’t comparing yourself to others, but instead living your own truth, there is a peacefulness and softness about you.

Softness in a woman doesn’t have anything to do with her size. It’s a femininity and gentleness that speaks.

Some women have asked me how to be soft. Here are some five steps to help you get there.

5 Steps to Softness

First remember you are soft. Even if you don’t feel like it now, you started off that way. Think of a little baby girl. She’s all softness and love.

Step 1 – Relax

Think about when you feel your softest. It’s probably when you’re relaxed. After you’ve had a massage, a week at the beach, a quiet afternoon reading or taking a nap, after a restorative yoga session or deep meditation. So the key is relaxation. Allowing yourself to relax. Making it a priority.

Step 2 – Trust and Be Gentle

The second step is to be gentle. In order to be gentle you have to trust yourself and Source. When you trust and feel supported you can be gentle and peaceful.

A woman who trusts Source is easier to be around. She isn’t tense or edgy. She’s not trying to prove her worth. She isn’t competitive. She knows things will work out in her best interest. She’s easy, flows, is open and receptive.

Step 3 – Be Kind

Kindness is the third step. Being kind to yourself, your family, friends, strangers. Kindness brings a softness with it.

Step 4 – Be Loving

When you extend love to others, they pick it up, even if they don’t realize where it’s coming from. And you get the benefits of loving – your heart expressing itself for its true purpose. And that also brings you peace, joy, health, abundance and freedom.

Step 5 – Soothe Yourself

Do things that soothe you. Soothe your spirit, your heart. This is different than relaxing. It’s an actual conscious choice to soothe. Put your hand on your tummy when you’re feeling anxious or afraid. Stroke the side of your face the way a mother strokes her baby. Talk soothingly to yourself when you’re upset, with a calm, quiet, soothing tone.

If you are relaxed, gentle, trusting Source, kind, loving and soothing, do you think you’d like yourself better? You bet! And then can you feel yourself being soft? And when you feel soft, do you like yourself better? Yes. Will men and other women want to be around you then? Yes!

When people were arriving at the resort, I could always tell who had just arrived that day. They were tense, talking fast and loud. On their cellphones. Then after a full day, they were quieter, slower moving, smiled more, no cellphones to be seen or heard.

For you to feel and live softly again, realize you live in a loving supportive Universe. You are loved and supported by a Divine Source. Be gentle, kind and soothing with yourself and others. Choose this as a way of life.

Choose to be the real you – a soft woman.

imagine the possibilities….

© Carol Chanel

Q & A

After the last ezine issue, a reader emailed me for some ideas on how to be softer. I included those steps in the article since it flowed with the softness theme.

Thanks for asking. It’s a great question.


I have just discovered Restorative Yoga and I love it. Really love it. It’s a perfect way to get in touch with your soft side.

One of the main teachers of it is Judith Lasater. Her book “Relax and Renew” is fantastic. She explains the concepts and shows you how to do restorative yoga.

It’s a great way to get started with Restorative Yoga.

I also have a Rodney Yee DVD – “Yoga Journal’s Yoga for Back Care.” Rodney does a section on Restorative Yoga. Oh the way it gently stretches your body is heavenly. I’m hooked.

The book, “Relax and Renew” subtitle: “Restful Yoga for Stressful Times” is available on Amazon.

For the Rodney Yee yoga DVD, call Gaiam at 1-800-254-8464. I find it’s better to call them than to order from their website.

I know you will love restorative yoga as much as I do. Try it and let me know.

Carol's Services

I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

You can visit my website at:

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach

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