Why Are You Settling for Crumbs? When you can have the whole cake?

I keep noticing amazing women settling for men who clearly aren’t good for them.

Settling for a not-good-for-you man often has devastating repercussions. Loss of self-esteem, loss of friends or loss of a good job are only a few things that come from settling.

Women who settle typically have at least one of these three thoughts:

I can’t do any better
I don’t want to be alone while I’m going through the attraction process
What I’m getting or not getting is what I’m used to. It’s what my mother got so why should I get more.

You don’t have to accept any of those thoughts as your reality. You can get help to change them. Remember your thoughts create your reality, so in order to change your reality you want to change your thoughts

I Understand Because I Used To Settle

Before I got married I always chose aloof men who only gave me crumbs of love. My father acted aloof and wasn’t very loving when he did interact with me. The truth is he was a sweet man, whose father, my grandfather, was filled with rage because he lost everything in the depression and suffered from horrible back pain.

My father also had severe back pain and he lost a significant portion of his hearing during the war. So he didn’t hear well and was in pain, physically and probably emotionally, from the wounds from his father.

The therapy and coaching I did, helped me understand my father and to realize I didn’t have to settle for similar behavior from a man.

The Truth About Men And Love

The truth is most men just aren’t comfortable with showing love or being emotionally intimate. They will only give women as much, or as little, as they can get away with. They’re not trying to be mean or cold. They just aren’t comfortable with the expression of love. The good ones want to be, and will try, if you ask.

Goddesses, you can have the whole cake and the icing if you want. Believe me it’s there for you and it’s really great!

When You Choose To Settle

But do you know the misery that gets created in a woman’s life when she settles? Oh my gosh. I can tell you horror stories. A woman starts out as bright eyed and hopeful. Then she thinks that she can’t attract anyone better than the guy she’s currently dating, so she marries him and ends up lonely, empty, miserable and older with very little, if any, self esteem.

DON’T SETTLE! IT’S NOT WORTH IT!!! I talk to women of all ages who have settled. Or are thinking of settling. I get them to look at the truth. They usually don’t want to see it at first. But compassionately and persistently, I keep bringing them back to the truth. And I help them believe in themselves and their worth so they can attract a great guy.

If you’re with a man and he only comes over for one reason, dump him. Get real! He’s just using you. I’m very direct with women who tell me the man loves them, when he really only wants one thing. Try seeing if he’ll take you to a lovely dinner, or to meet his friends and family, or take you to a company function. If he doesn’t do any of those things – he doesn’t love you, he’s using you.

If you notice you’re settling, then start by telling yourself the truth. Look at what you’re settling for. If there is abuse, either verbal, emotional or physical – please get out and get help.

Before You Kick Him Out The Door

If you’re settling for something less painful than abuse, like crumbs of love or lack of support, or other things that don’t feel good to you, then before you leave your man, I want you to try a few things.

First do some work on yourself to regain your self confidence. If you’ve been settling, your self esteem and self confidence will have suffered as a result. You can learn to feel great about yourself again.

Second, understand his behavior is not personal. It’s about him. He may be absorbed in something in his own life that has caused him to disconnect from you. He may be afraid of intimacy. He may not know how to give love.

Then talk to him and see if he’s willing to give more. Be specific, clear about what you want. And don’t make him wrong. Men are often willing to give more, but if you don’t ask, they’re not going to do it on their own.

Don’t demonize your man. He’s not bad or wrong. A man will never give more love, support, time or anything else if you make him feel badly about himself. That will just make him defensive and want to pull back even more.

So before you leave, give him a chance. Listen to his reasons. If you’re doing something that is bothering him, look to see if you’re willing to change.

In the meantime, keep working on yourself. Look at what you really want in a man. Decide how you really want him to treat you and how you want to treat him. Daydream about the relationship you want to have and don’t settle for less.

Women who say derogatory things about men have never met my husband, or his friends or my friends. There are GREAT MEN out there.

If you don’t settle and you know what you want and you believe you will attract a great man – guess what? You will.

Choose to not settle. Choose to value yourself. Choose to understand yourself. Choose to believe in your value. Choose to create your reality with a great man.

Imagine the possibilities…

© Carol Chanel