Don’t Call Him!! Really Don’t!

Recently I’ve coached several women who shared the experience of dating a guy who shuts down and completely pulls away without warning.
In an attempt to understand what happened they call, email or text to get some answers.  Perhaps they even apologize if they think they did something wrong.
That first contact is fine.  Even necessary.  But only once.  If he doesn’t call you back after the first time, it’s a sign. One you want to pay attention to.
It means he has a huge problem with communications and relationships.  It also means he’s not your guy!  Leave him alone and move on.
Most women don’t want to quit without more effort.  As women, we tend to think we can fix men or relationships.  We think men will respond to our love and compassion, they just need someone to understand them.  The problem with those thoughts is that’s how women think.  Men think completely differently.
Why Repeated Contact Doesn’t Work?
Let’s look at why repeated contact doesn’t work.  The women I referred to are all attractive, smart, successful, educated, fun, upbeat and together.   So why on earth would a man walk away from a fabulous woman?
There are a couple of possibilities.
One, the man could have low self-esteem and think he isn’t worthy of a fabulous woman.  This happens a lot.  And you can’t change his mind.  If he feels badly about himself, he’ll become incredibly uncomfortable around you.  And he’ll start to think something is wrong with you if you want to be with him.  So consider it a blessing when he runs.  It’s not personal.  It’s his self-worth that’s the problem and you can’t fix that.  Only he can.
Another possibility is when you draw a necessary boundary and the guy retreats and goes cold, it’s usually showing you he’s a control freak.  As long as it’s on his terms, he’s fine.  He’ll play.  The minute you want something and he doesn’t want to give it, he splits.
If you call and he doesn’t respond, don’t call again!  He’ll become contemptuous of you.  And it could get ugly.  Trust me, I’ve experienced and witnessed this one.  You can’t change his mind.  He doesn’t want your love and compassion.  You’ve just shown him he can’t control you and that won’t work for him because control is what relationships are all about for him.
Again, you’ve been blessed if this man disappears.  If you pursue this kind of man, even if he eventually comes back, you will regret it.  As I said, things can get ugly.  Remember abusers are control freaks.  They start by ignoring your boundaries, which if you allow it, will diminish your self-esteem.  If you keep allowing it, you will not have any self-esteem left.   Abusers escalate.  So run from this guy.
Remember boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships.  If you aren’t willing to draw boundaries, you won’t have a great relationship.  If the man doesn’t want a woman who draws boundaries, he doesn’t want a healthy relationship.  He wants control.  Run.
So you can see that men think differently than we do.  When they are feeling badly about themselves you can’t help them.  They don’t want your help.  When they are controlling, they don’t want you to take pity on them.
I believe when men are a little messed up, they see a woman’s love and compassion as pity.  And that makes them mad. 
So do yourself a favor if you find yourself in a situation where the man pulls away and refuses to respond to your call — let him go.  If you don’t, you’ve actually become attached and that’s not a healthy relationship.
An Exception To This Guideline
There’s one exception – some men run when they are embarrassed or feeling ashamed when something “negative” has happened in their lives.  Again, reach out with a call.  If they don’t call back then, on an energetic level, send them love and light and believe in them.  More often than not, they’ll be back – embarrassed and feeling guilty.
Then you have a choice.  You can take them back, after you’ve talked through everything.  But you need to know if something negative happens to them, they’ll leave again.  So if you can give them space, not take it personally and go on with your life whether they’re in it or not — then take them back.
Or you can decide you don’t like the “disappearing man” and don’t want to deal with it.  In that case, tell them the truth and move on.  It’s up to you; you get to choose what works for you.
Remember it’s Not Personal.  To save yourself from heartache and devastation, know that whatever they do isn’t personal.  You don’t need someone to behave in a way that makes you happy.  And you do need to pay attention to what feels right to you.
And whatever you do, when they disappear, don’t keep trying to contact them.  Remember, men don’t like it and it won’t have the desired results.  It will backfire on you.
Turn It Around For Yourself
Use this experience as information for what you don’t want and turn it into what you do want.  A man who communicates that he needs space, tells you and takes it.  You want a man who communicates about most things.  A man who wants to be with a woman who takes care of herself and draws boundaries.  A healthy man loves that in a woman.
Every relationship is an opportunity to be crystal clear about what works and what doesn’t work for you.  Each person and situation is a gift from the Universe.
If you see it like that, you’ll be positive and attract wonderful relationships and experiences.  And those not so wonderful ones that you encounter along the way – bless them too.  They helped you get clear about what worked, and didn’t work, for you.
Choose to see life as bringing you blessings.  Believe in yourself and Source.  You will always be provided for and guided to love, light, abundance and joy.  Life will be more fun by making a choice to see blessings everywhere!

Imagine the possibilities…

© Carol Chanel