Why Didn’t He Call?
I have many clients who are single and ask me to help them understand certain dating issues.
One reoccurring issue is why someone they are dating just stops calling.
Perhaps they’ve been out on four dates and certainly if they’ve met on-line they’ve spent time emailing and probably talking on the phone. And then the person just disappears.
By the way, this situation is true in business for entrepreneurs with potential clients, with salespeople for prospects, and for children making new friends.
I get asked these questions:
“Is he / she rude?” Feels like it. “Or crazy?” Maybe. “Did they find someone better?” I doubt it. “Is it possible that I did something wrong?” Let’s look, but it’s doubtful. “Is there something wrong with me?” NO, absolutely not!
Isn’t it interesting that when someone behaves in a way considered to be unkind, or unacceptable that the inevitable question comes back to YOU?
The healthier question is – “Why isn’t he being more considerate? I wonder what caused him to stop calling? Something must be going on with him.”
Because unless you hit him or her over the head with your laptop, or used inappropriate language in front of her child, or something that was truly offensive, then no one deserves to be treated inconsiderately.
And a lack of communication – not calling – is a lack of consideration. It’s unkind, cowardly, creates bad karma, and most of all, it hurts the individual’s heart and soul.
You can’t move up the ladder of evolution, raise your consciousness level, if you are going around being unkind and cowardly.
DON’T CALL HIM
Whatever you do, don’t call the man! If he is interested he’ll call you. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are going to feel badly about yourself. I may be old fashioned and I believe men like to do the calling. My husband agrees and so do my male clients. They say that if they’re interested, they’ll call.
Again, there are always exceptions. If you must call, then call only once and just let the man know that you are concerned about him and hope all is well.
THE EGO – DON’T LISTEN TO IT
Let’s get back to the way my clients sometimes feel. The part that has them “take it personally.” That’s the ego. The mind. Bringing up all the old stuff, from childhood, or teen years. Or a recent break up. It could be a previous trauma the ego or mind will bring up to remind you that you have the problem. Don’t listen to it.
We all have things we can improve on. We are all moving up the ladder of consciousness at our own pace.
Don’t let your ego tell you that you are to blame. Take a healthy, honest look to see what you can improve on and come up with a plan to make those changes.
Take a look at the possibility of being in a long-term relationship with someone who won’t communicate. Forget it. It’s impossible.
IT’S THEIR PROBLEM AND YOUR GIFT
So if a man or woman you are dating disappears without any communication it’s their problem. And you are so fortunate to know now, not later when you are really invested in the relationship.
The person is giving you a gift. Don’t use that gift to feel badly about yourself. Let it inform you of who the person is – not right for you.
Then thank God for the gift and move on. It’s really that simple. You are not a victim!
Now if this happens a lot then you want to look at why you are attracting this type of person and pattern. What are you trying to learn by having this pattern reappear in your life?
And again, you want to look objectively and not from the standpoint of being a victim. Remember, you can either be a victim of your circumstances or victorious in your learning.
WHAT’S YOUR LEARNING
Let’s take a look for a moment at why you might be attracting this pattern.
Your father didn’t communicate and you think that’s the way men are.
Your father talked all the time and it drove you and your mother crazy.
There is a place in your life where you aren’t communicating either to yourself or someone else or both.
You really are afraid of the intimacy in relationships and so by attracting men like this you know you can avoid the discomfort of facing your fears.
You are used to being the person who doesn’t ever have a significant other, in other words – maybe there’s a little bit of “poor me, I’m all alone.”
There are many possibilities.
Don’t choose those possibilities! You have a choice! Choose what you want!
Take an honest look. Go to a coach, hypnotherapist, psychotherapist, friend, family member, minister, someone who will be honest with you and help you look. What do you notice? What sounds right?
Get some help so that you can have the love you deserve. Love is our gift from the Divine Source, the greatest gift. You don’t have to live without it.
Get help for your fears. And most importantly don’t blame yourself. Open up to the possibility of being different. Of choosing to have the most fabulous loving, communicative person in your life.
Know one thing – there isn’t anything wrong with you. You are a child of the Divine. You are precious and loved. Choose to believe that and then
imagine the possibilities
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
From Patricia, a small business owner in Los Angeles, CA
Q: Carol, at what point do I bring someone I’m dating into my home and my life? I think in the past I’ve brought men into my life too quickly. Then when things didn’t work out it felt like a hole was created in my life. I have a nice home on the water and close friends that I like to do things with on the weekends. I always thought it would be fun to share all this with a man I was dating. But now I’m wondering if it overwhelms them sometimes? How should I proceed?
A: Patricia what a great question. There isn’t a formula to follow and let’s come up with some guidelines for you.
First, most of the time it’s best to date a man several times – at least three to five times – before inviting him to your home. You need to make sure this man is safe. Also that he’s healthy, respectful and honest. Before he meets your friends you need to spend some time getting to know each other.
While it’s wonderful to share your friends and get their opinions of him, give him a chance to first get to know and be comfortable with you. Some men, and this goes for women too, just aren’t comfortable meeting a group of strangers, especially when they’re still in the uncomfortable stage of early dating.
So let’s assume that you will have three to five dates on your own, meeting at various places near where you live. Maybe not right in your neighborhood. Then if they pass the safety and emotionally healthy test then you can invite them to your home for drinks or dinner. Ease them into your life. See if they are comfortable.
With women making more money today, it’s not uncommon for the woman to make more money than the man. That can contribute to a man feeling uncomfortable. Find this out first. And prepare him. Don’t make excuses for your success or good taste, just let him know what to expect.
Then if he’s comfortable with that – invite him to meet your friends.
And the next question is: what if he’s not comfortable with your life style? Then you probably aren’t going to be a good fit for each other.
If you enjoy going to the beach – walking, swimming and jet skiing – and he’s a man who likes to stay indoors reading, doing crossword puzzles and watching football then he’s probably not going to be a good match. You never know, but it’s not likely.
So take your time. Go slow. Introduce men into your life slowly for the sake of your safety and your heart. If you go slowly and it doesn’t work out then there won’t be such a big hole. If it does work then you will have given a man a chance to get used to your life slowly and gracefully. They will appreciate your sensitivity.
Have fun and know that the best man is out there waiting for you. Set your intention to attract him to you. Be specific and then get ready. He’s on his way!!
I work with an amazing healer from France. I’ve mentioned him before – Jean Michel. He uses these wonderful tarot cards. I’ve never been a tarot card user and these are exceptional.
I want to share them with you so you can buy them if you want.
OSHO Zen Tarot, The Transcendental Game of Zen. They are about $25 and come with an instructional manual to help you interpret the cards you draw. They are fun and extremely informative. I highly recommend them. You can buy them on Amazon by typing in “OSHO ZEN TAROT.”
“This Osho Zen Tarot focuses on gaining an understanding of the here and now. It is a system based on the wisdom of Zen, a wisdom that says events in the outer world simply reflect our own thoughts and feelings, even though we ourselves might be unclear about what those thoughts and feelings are.”
These are fun and helpful. Hope you enjoy them too!
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
Call me. You don't have to be stuck! And once you are unstuck you can be joyful and free again!
If you would like to explore working with me, please call me at 310-998-8860.
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Certified Life Coach
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