The Next Step in Your Freedom Revealed
There is a step beyond taking things personally and knowing what that is will facilitate your personal growth and help you find freedom and peace.
Remember that we looked at how whatever a person does to us, it isn’t personal. It’s about them.
Someone yells at you, for example: it’s about them, not you.
So what’s beyond this insight: that it’s not personal.
What’s beyond, that brings you freedom is — the way you react to things is about you. No one causes your reactions.
MY NON REACTION
Let me give you a simple example. I was giving a short speech and a person got up, right in front of me, and left.
She apologized for leaving and I just smiled at her and kept going. I didn’t even think about it, other than to realize that she probably had to leave. It was my first speech ever and I was focused on enchanting my audience. And surviving!
Other people came up to me after the speech and where upset that someone “did that.” They proceeded to tell me how they would have felt if someone walked out right in front of them.
I didn’t know I was supposed to have a reaction. I didn’t have one. That was true for me and their reactions were true for them.
They were putting the responsibility on the person leaving to CAUSE them to react a certain way. But, there’s no learning from that place.
So let’s look at a client example of learning about responses and reactions.
A client named Helen was dating a man who she really liked. He was kind, smart, funny, a lot of fun, compassionate and a good person.
They had been dating and having fun for three months and all of a sudden he pulled back. He broke off the relationship. She was devastated. And because she’s been coaching with me she didn’t take it personally.
And she was hurt – deeply hurt.
She knew she didn’t do anything wrong, she knew he was afraid, and yet she wondered how this all happened. How did she end up with a man that was so frightened?
Remember in the last Ezine, we looked at how, when a situation like this occurs, a person is trying to learn something about their own fear. If they are attracting someone who is fearful, it is in some way mirroring their own fear.
Now we’re taking it a step further and looking at the reaction of hurt.
Let me clarify something here – I know that everyone will experience some sadness at the loss of a potential partner or friend. What I’m talking about here is the deep HURT that this brings up for some people.
Sometimes it looks like someone’s behavior CAUSES our reactions. That’s not true.
Back to Helen –
His withdrawal didn’t cause her hurt. It looks that way but it isn’t true.
If Helen really hurts because her man friend broke up with her then that hurt was in her all along. She was looking to have him give her something that she isn’t giving herself. LOVE!
When a short love affair ends abruptly, you can look at it in several ways. Ideally you can look at what it brought you — an opening of your heart, maybe an awareness to be more discerning next time, and a glorious opportunity to let your love have full expression.
If your reaction is one of hurt and wanting to withdraw, then you had that in you all along.
That man breaking up with you didn’t cause the hurt. It’s your hurt. Not his fault. So don’t blame him or all men. Take responsibility for your hurt.
The greatest thing we can do is to LOVE!
And when we love, it really doesn’t hurt. If you make a man’s love ultra important and it looks like it got withdrawn and it hurt, it’s your hurt and it was there before you even met him.
HONOR YOUR HURT AND TAKE BACK YOUR POWER
If you are hurting, then by all means honor that hurt and do what you need to do to heal it. It’s real. It is yours though. It wasn’t caused by this man, or the one before that, or before that.
Take back your power to think that other people or situations can cause your pain, suffering, negative or positive responses.
It’s within you — your love, passion, fear, hurt, joy, kindness, compassion. Other people are just mirrors. Take responsibility. Choose!
Don’t use a romantic breakup as an excuse to withdraw, to run away and hide, to not love. That’s an excuse, a CHOICE to be miserable and lonely.
We feel great when we love others and ourselves. The happiest people are the most loving people. If along the way we get that love returned, that’s wonderful. And that is more likely to occur if we love others.
Don’t allow yourself to blame others for your reactions. They are YOURS. HONOR, ACKNOWLEDGE AND HEAL THEM AND THEN LOVE AGAIN. THEN YOU WILL FEEL FREEDOM AND JOY!
Imagine your life if tomorrow you start loving other people, regardless of what they did or said. I mean loving them full out. The man on the street, the cranky neighbor, the ex-boyfriend, the angry brother, the upset mother. Love them. Who cares what they do or don’t do? Choose to love, not react with hurt and withdrawal. IT’S YOUR CHOICE.
imagine the possibilities…..
Sending loving energy to you
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
Q: From Celine, a 46-year-old CFO from Austin, Texas:
“I’m starting to date after spending some time working on myself. My question is how do I make it fun to date again?”
A: Celine, I love your attitude. Dating can be fun and indeed that’s the best way to approach it.
Often when we date, we are looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. That is a set up for disaster or disappointment.
In order to have fun you want to go out with people that like to do fun things. And then choose to make your first dates doing those things.
So if you love art galleries then go to one or two on your dates. Or go to an amusement park, or an improv performance. Whatever is fun for you.
It makes it easier to talk to someone and get to know them, when you share similar interests.
Then spend time thinking about what you want to talk about. Are you interested in discussing politics, great books, or animals? Be prepared to ask questions, to listen, to engage.
And take all the pressure off both of you to do anything except have fun. Nothing ruins fun more than exceptions.
You’ll feel whether this is a person that you want as a friend, and if so whether you want to take it to the next step.
Your freedom comes when you allow yourself and the other person to relax, be yourselves and do things that are fun for both of you.
Have a great time dating. Trust yourself, go slow, listen to who they are and then choose and go have a blast!
Are you meditating regularly? I think the best book and tape to help you meditate regularly is “Meditation for Beginners” by Jack Kornfield. There’s a CD inside it so you get both when you buy the book.
Here’s a quote from Jack:
“The skill of becoming more mindful and present and compassionate is something we may learn sitting on a meditation cushion. But this capacity for awareness helps in many other ways: in computer programming, playing tennis, lovemaking, or walking by the ocean and listening to life around you. In fact meditation is really the central art in all other arts.”
Meditation is necessary to attain freedom, peace and joy.
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
Call me. You don't have to be stuck! And once you are unstuck you can be joyful and free again!
If you would like to explore working with me, please call me at 310-998-8860.
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You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.
Certified Life Coach
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