Six Common Mistakes Women Make in Relationships & What Women Should Do Instead
In my ezines, I’ve been sharing with you all the things you can do that will allow you to have rockin’ relationships. Let’s look at the other side — the mistakes you can make that will keep you from having truly rockin’ relationships. Then I’ll offer you suggestions on how to turn those mistakes around. See if any of these apply to you. If they do, please realize you can change.
What are the six most common mistakes women make in relationships?
1. Women have trouble saying NO, putting up boundaries and sticking to them. For example saying no to your boss who wants you to work late. Saying NO to your boyfriend who doesn’t want you to go out with your friends, or wants to know where you’re going and when you’ll be home. Saying NO to a friend who wants to cry on your shoulder when it’s your gym night. The last ezine I wrote, “How to Say No,” was all about this.
2. Women tend to be NICE, but nice has its price. Women don’t want to offend anyone, so they don’t really let people know how they’re feeling. Also women don’t want things to be messy, so we’ll tend to want to clean things or people up. The problem is you have to realize you can’t always clean up other people’s messes. And life isn’t always about being neat and tidy.
3. Women settle for crumbs in their romantic relationships. Or they settle for the GOOD, when they could have the GREAT.
4. Women have lost touch with, or never gave themselves permission, to be spicy, saucy and hot!
5. Women take things personally and that causes them to react to what people say or do, and to feel badly about themselves. If a person is mean, nasty, rude, aloof, angry or critical, you think you caused that behavior. That often leads to feeling unworthy. You think if someone treated you that way, then you must deserve it.
6. Women tend to let their negative self-talk (their ego commentary) convince them they aren’t desirable. And when you think you aren’t desirable, you won’t be. So either you’ll attract someone who thinks you aren’t desirable, or no one at all.
What Women Can Do Instead?
1. Women need to learn that they have to say NO and mean it. You have to get clear about what works and doesn’t work for you; let people know and then stick to it. When you draw a boundary and hold it then you’re training people that you mean what you say. If you don’t hold to it, then you’re training them that they can talk you into doing what they want you to do. They will keep after you until you give in. Watch a two-year-old wear down his mom when they want something.
2. Women tend to be too nice. That has its place, but men and other women will read that, as you really don’t mean what you’re saying, that you’re a push over. They will think they can talk you into doing it their way. So if you’re nice to your boss when he wants you to work late, he’ll read that as you can be talked into working late. And if you’re invested in being nice, you’ll give up your plans and work late. (I’m not suggesting you be mean to your boss, just don’t be too nice.)
The key is to be KIND and FIRM. If you’re firm and say, “NO, tonight I have to leave” and mean it, your boss will back down.
The same is true for boyfriends, husbands or children. If you tell them kindly and firmly that you are going out with your girlfriends tonight and they have to fend for themselves, they’ll be fine. If they get pouty, they’re just trying to manipulate you into staying home with them. Ignore their pouty behavior.
Children will try to get away with not picking up their things, not doing their chores and / or their homework. If you’re kind and firm, they will know you mean business. You’ll want to also combine strong boundaries with kind and firm. They’ll eventually back down.
Life becomes so much easier when you stand your ground.
3. Women need to realize they don’t have to settle for just good. You can have the great. I see so many women settling for men who don’t really meet their needs. You convince yourselves that you might be alone the rest of your life so you better be with this “good” man. Instead what you want to do is to write your list of your ideal partner qualities, traits and characteristics. Use all your past experiences. Turn any negatives into positives. Then look at that list everyday and daydream for 15 minutes about being in a relationship with this wonderful person. It works. If you do the list and the daydreaming and don’t let any negative thoughts block him from coming to you and connect to Divine Source, it will happen.
4. When women get back in touch with the part of themselves that is spicy, saucy and hot, they have so much more fun. They feel so great about themselves. Jeannie Cheatham a 79-year-old blues singer and pianist is my role model. Today she’s as spicy, saucy and hot as they come. You will feel so alive when you get back in touch with this energy. Put on a red dress, listen to some great sassy music, go dancing, start singing, do whatever works for you. Just let it rip!
5. Women take things personally. The truth is nothing anyone does is personal. It’s never about you. It’s ALWAYS about them.
When you learn this basic truth, then you will be freer, have more fun and energy. Wayne Dyer in his best-selling book, “The Power of Intention,” talks about not being offended. It’s only the ego that gets offended. If you don’t take things personally, then you won’t get offended. You won’t get hurt or angry. You won’t waste precious time and energy being hurt or angry. Life brings most of us things that will hurt and make us angry, save your energy for those unavoidable situations.
People say and do things because of their own wounds. So if someone is nasty it’s because of something inside of them that hurts and has them lash out. It’s not about you. Get out of their energy field and you won’t need to experience their negative energy. If it’s a boss, then just realize, “oh well, that’s just the way she/he is. It has nothing to do with me.” Try it and see what you notice. It works.
6. And last, but definitely not least, STOP SAYING ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOURSELF. Women do this all the time. And it’s the single most destructive thing you can do.
You have a CHOICE to think positive things about yourself or negative things. Let me say that again. YOU HAVE A CHOICE WHAT TO THINK!
If you’ve had a lot of practice thinking negative things, then realize it’s going to take a little time to change the negative to the positive. But it doesn’t have to take long. It’s a matter of paying attention to what your mind (ego) is saying and choosing not to listen to it. Change it to something positive.
If you think you aren’t desirable then you won’t have a relationship. Or if you’re in one, it won’t be fulfilling and exciting; you’ll have attracted someone who ends up thinking you’re not desirable. Your thoughts create your reality.
So instead of making negative comments about your nose, legs, stomach, intelligence or education, focus on the good things about you. If you can’t think of any, ask a friend, parent, co-worker or sibling. Listen and then choose to believe them.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You can think positively or negatively about yourself. It’s nothing more than a choice.
You can say NO, set boundaries, and be kind and firm instead of “nice.” You can choose to create and attract a great man. You can choose to be spicy, saucy and hot. You can choose to not take things personally. And you can choose to think positive things about yourself.
© Carol Chanel
If you want to read more in-depth on any of the topics I suggested in the main article, you can read about them in my ezine archive.
“How to Say No!” – April 20, 2007
“Why Are You Settling For Crumbs?” – Aril 6, 2007
“Nice Has Its Price!” – March 23, 2007
“Spicy, Saucy and Hot!” – March 8, 2007
“Let Go of The Good, To Get The Great” – February 1, 2007
“It’s Not About You” – November 30, 2006
“What Is Your Negative Self-Talk Doing To You?” – May 18, 2004
I know you can have the life you dream of and deeply desire! You are a child of Divine Source and thus you are precious, important and loved. And everything you ask for will be given to you if you just keep believing.
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
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