How to Turn Your Breakup into a Blast Off
The other night I watched the Jack Nicholson-Diane Keaton romantic comedy, “Something’s Gotta Give” for the third or fourth time. I wondered what I liked about the movie that motivated me to watch it so many times.
Sure the writing and the acting is first rate, the locations are spectacular and seeing Jack Nicholson in a comedic role is always a treat and Keanu Reeves is a pleasure to look at.
And I finally figured out what was so great. How the characters played by Nicholson and Keaton handled the break up of their brief, intense, highly charged and unusual (for both of them) relationship.
They felt something they may not have felt before and it impacted them in ways that encouraged them to make major changes in their lives.
What they felt was love. And then they both felt the accompanying pain when love doesn’t fit into the structure we think it should.
She turned her pain into creativity and wrote a funny play about their relationship.
He decided to clean up his life and jumped on a plane to Paris to find her.
It’s so fabulous what pain can spark in our lives. You can blast off into a new dimension.
What do you do when a relationship ends? What do you do with the pain, the grief and the power of those emotions?
PAIN IS POWERFUL
Pain can be a great motivator. After all it lets us know we’re alive. It keeps us awake. And crying can be so cleansing for the soul. That deep crying that leaves you exhausted and yet in touch at a deep level with your truth.
Do you notice how sensitive you are to your feelings and the feelings of others when you realize you’re in love and it doesn’t look like it will work out? The pain that hits you in the stomach and leaves you feeling so vulnerable.
From that place – that vulnerable place – comes your truth, your compassion, and best of all, feeling love. Really feeling it.
When my clients break up from any relationship, let’s stick to a romantic one here, I help them process their pain and then help them learn so much about themselves.
It often looks to other people like they were crazy to have dated that person, crazy to have fallen in love with that person. Couldn’t they see that person was so wrong for them?
Friends don’t want to see you hurting. But somewhere deep inside yourself you know the truth. That feeling love like this is a good thing – even the pain for a short period of time.
LIVING YOUR LIFE
Feeling love let’s you know you’re alive. You didn’t sit on the sidelines watching other people live their lives; you got out there and lived yours.
Sure it hurts when a relationship doesn’t work out. But whose standards are you using for “it didn’t work out?”
Not everyone we meet and date can or even should be our spouse. And what’s so wrong with finding out that you love someone with all your heart and soul and they aren’t the person you want to marry and live with forever?
Does that in any way negate the love, the connection? NO! Why does every relationship have to be a serious committed one?
Doesn’t each person we are with teach us something wonderful? Something valuable? YES!! They really do. Just look.
Don’t go into “poor me” or “untrusting woman” or “pitiful guy” mode! Please do nurture yourself but don’t go into victim and shut down. That is not the purpose of any relationship.
Our heroine in the movie realized she could enjoy male company, young and old. She became wildly creative and alive. She was already successful and became even more so. And she came alive as a woman!
Our hero learned he did have a desire to be with a woman who understood him, was at his level and was his soul mate. Pretty powerful for a confirmed bachelor. He learned to cry, to feel, to love.
So if you’ve just broken up with someone or vice versa, please allow yourself a few days or weeks to grieve. Nurture yourself.
Then with all that vulnerability, truth and love look, to see what you’ve just learned. What wonderful thing came from that relationship? Can you still be friends and do things together? Maybe, maybe not. You’ll know.
Don’t take your pain out on your friends, co-workers, family or pets.
Do put the power of that energy to work for you. That energy is so powerful. It can be constructive. You can use it to create, to contribute, to serve, to Set Your Spirit Free.
Choose to be open, alive, vulnerable and trusting and get back out there again to live and love. Let all that love in your heart overflow. You don’t have to get back into a relationship and you will be so glad when you do something wonderful and constructive with the love in your heart.
Make a contribution to your life and to others. Blast off! Set your spirit free!
You are love. Feel it, live it, give it.
imagine the possibilities…
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
From Christine, a 36-year-old doctor in Colorado:
Q: Hi Carol, I spent so many years in school and training to become a doctor and now I have a busy practice and I feel like I’m out of touch with the whole dating and attracting men thing. There’s a fellow doctor I’ve met at some meetings and I have no idea how to let him know I’m interested. I don’t want to ask him out. I don’t have to, do I? Help!
A: Christine, this is a perfect time for you to get back into the dating world. I know the demands on your time for your career were enormous. Now it’s time to take care of your heart.
So, no, you don’t have to ask the doctor out. Please don’t. And here are a few things you can do.
The main thing you have to do is go where men are. So in your case there are meetings you attend. And you will want to go to events or join groups that interest you. In Colorado I’m sure there are hiking, skiing, biking groups, yoga classes, photography classes. Get out in the world.
Here’s the secret I learned from a great teacher — the attraction and the ensuing process starts with the woman. She lets the man know energetically that she is interested. You send him a mental thought – a vibe – that you think he is exciting, handsome, interesting and you’d like to talk to him.
A little flirtation in your smile is a good thing too.
So it starts with you. You give him the go-ahead.
Now if that didn’t work then you can talk to him. Find some excuse to talk to him.
Men can often be shy and as a result need a little encouragement from us.
When you are talking to him be warm and friendly and use your sense of humor. Nothing turns a man on more than a smart, warm, friendly woman with a good sense of humor.
And use a little of your se* appeal. Just a little.
When you’re talking to him watch out that you aren’t overly friendly but enough to let him know you’d talk to him again. Don’t stay too long. Just long enough to give him a sense of how fabulous you are. Make him work. Men like to work for their women.
Now suppose you’ve done all that and he still doesn’t call to ask you out.
Forget him. Move on. He’s either in a relationship, not interested, or too scared and none of those options work for you.
You did your best and now it’s up to him. And please don’t be discouraged. This is just the beginning phase. You are saying to the universe – YES! I’m here, I’m available and I’m ready.
You will meet the man or men you want to date. Trust, believe, don’t shut down. Don’t say anything negative to yourself about yourself. Believe! You believed in yourself enough to become a doctor and you believe in your friends who took the career paths they took, so don’t stop believing in yourself, no matter what.
Trust, stay open, warm, loving, with a sense of humor, a touch of se* appeal and keep on believing. Let me know how you’re doing with all the men you’re trying to fit into your schedule!
One of my precious clients told me about an amazing group called Compassion International. You can sponsor a child. Can you think of a better way to be an instrument of love? Giving a starving child hope, love, money, light, joy and the ability to maybe believe in themselves because they’re cared for and not alone.
So whether you’ve just broken up with someone and your heart is aching or you’ve been married for years or you’re content to not be in a relationship here’s a worthwhile cause for the love in your heart.
This is a good time of year to give thanks by sharing your abundance with a less fortunate child. And it’s a good thing for your karma too!
Blessings to you!
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
Call me. You don't have to be stuck! And once you are unstuck you can be joyful and free again!
If you would like to explore working with me, please call me at 310-998-8860.
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Certified Life Coach
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