Free Yourself of Feeling I Don’t Deserve!
“I don’t deserve love!” One my new clients, I’ll call her Cheryl, said this the other day with complete conviction. I asked her why. She said, “Well look at my life. I’m 36, divorced, never date anyone for more than three months, or they’re always unavailable, men always leave me, so it stands to reason that I just don’t deserve love.”
What’s sadly true is that so many people believe they don’t deserve. They’ve convinced themselves this is true. Not everyone experiences it in the area of love, for others it might be money, or a great job, or a fabulous home, or a trim, fit body or tons of energy and wonderful health. Each person who believes they don’t deserve will have an area or areas of their lives where that manifests for them.
When Cheryl said it “stands to reason” then I knew exactly where to start to help her change her perspective. In this case the reason part was coming from her negative ego.
The negative ego is great at convincing us that we don’t deserve certain things, and then shows us proof – not really but it looks like proof. What you might not realize is that the negative ego is what has created a life that looks like you don’t deserve. Remember we get what we think about, whether we want it or not.
In addition to that fact, as Wayne Dyer writes in his new book “Excuses Begone,” “I Don’t Deserve” is an excuse. He says it comes from the lack of self-esteem. Makes sense doesn’t it? If you don’t have self-esteem, you don’t feel like you deserve to have love, money, health, etc.
Here’s what else Dr. Dyer writes: “This excuse (I Don’t Deserve) is based on a belief in the validity of your unworthiness. It’s as if a part of you wants to protect you from (what’s assumed to be) the unbearable pain of feeling that maybe they’re right, and I don’t deserve it. If you ask that part of you why it’s doing this, it will have good reasons. But those reasons are, in effect, lies, and functioning by their edict means that you’re living a lie. You don’t earn worthiness – you’re equally as deserving of all that this glorious world offers as anyone else is.”
He continues, “Believing that you’re not good enough to have unlimited happiness, success, and health is a colossal fabrication that bears no resemblance to the truth of your life today. It keeps you discouraged, with a well-intentioned excuse to protect you from taking action. But it isn’t protecting you; it’s preventing you from becoming conscious of your unquestionable worthiness. In the presence of now, this excuse has no place in your life.”
So this excuse that seems to protect you is actually preventing you from taking action and having the life you want and actually deserve. It’s also preventing you from attracting what you want because your focus is on not deserving. You want your focus to be on I Do Deserve and I Am Worthy.
In Cheryl’s case we looked at how, where and when she developed this false conclusion of her unworthiness. (Her mother had been highly critical, even downright nasty to her and her father never stood up for her. So her self-esteem was shot by the time she was 10.) Then I had her look at how having that perspective had caused her to choose unacceptable men.
For instance, she dated a man for a year who lived in another city and because he had young children from a previous marriage he had no intention of moving. She had a great job and friends where she lived and didn’t want to move to his hometown. But she kept dating him – exclusively – and so for one year she missed out on the opportunity to date other – available – men.
When she really looked at why she had made that choice, she realized she had been afraid that no one else would like her so she better settle for him. In other words, she felt she didn’t deserve any better than an unavailable man.
As you can imagine, her 20’s, early and mid 30’s were filled with those kinds of relationships. Unavailable men – either physically or emotionally, critical men, lonely nights and a refusal to believe in her worth and get out in the world to meet desirable men. The kind of men she actually deserved.
Then she would get depressed and her energy would drop and from that place she couldn’t attract a great man. Men aren’t attracted to depressed women and vice versa. Ever notice that you meet men or women when you’re feeling good about yourself not when you’re depressed?
We know that we get what we think about. So if we think we don’t deserve love, then the ego will make sure it creates that experience over and over again. The ego loves to be right. Really loves it!! Remember as Wayne Dyer says, it thinks it’s protecting you, but it’s really preventing you.
So what’s the solution? “Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” Another of Wayne Dyer’s brilliant insights. So you have to be willing to change from seeing yourself as undeserving to deserving. If you know that feeling undeserving or unworthy is an excuse, you have to be willing to let go of the excuse if you want love.
If you think you don’t deserve to be 100% healthy, you won’t go to the best doctors. You’ll think you aren’t worth spending that much money on. If you think you don’t deserve to be happy, you won’t spend the money to work on yourself to get free of that lie. If you think you don’t deserve money you won’t take the new job that offers more money, and comes with more responsibility.
Whatever it is you’ve convinced yourself you don’t deserve, you will make sure you don’t have it, you will make sure if it comes your way you’ll sabotage it.
In “Excuses Begone” Wayne Dyer also writes that “I don’t deserve it translates to: Feel sorry for me. The payoff? You’re going to give me what I want because you can’t stand to see me feeling unworthy.”
The trouble will that payoff is that ultimately people will get exhausted by your “poor me, I don’t deserve excuse” and they will run away from you. In actuality, you are creating your reality by what you think about yourself. I’m undeserving creates a life where you get what you think about – nothing you deserve.
So let’s review what we have so far. Your negative ego creates the feeling and belief that you don’t deserve. It’s an excuse that comes from having low self-esteem and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, because you get what you think about whether you want it or not. There are payoffs for any excuse you use and in this case the “feel sorry for me” payoff causes people ultimately to run from you. It’s a turn off.
To quote one of my precious friends: “Quit it!” Refuse to accept that excuse. You do deserve!
You are part of God, Source energy. You come from God. That makes you worthy and deserving. That truth allows you to go out in the world feeling great about yourself and from that place you attract the right man or woman, friends, job, money, doctors, people and circumstances.
Choose to feel deserving. Choose to not listen to your negative ego and its lies. Choose to know you come from a loving, divine Source. You don’t earn worthiness, it’s your birthright. Don’t let the bad behavior of other people – parents, siblings, teachers, ex spouses – convince you otherwise.
Everyone deserves love, wealth, health, abundance, joy and guidance.
See yourself as God/Source sees you – pure spirit, love and light. You are a spiritual being having a human experience. You come from this amazing loving Source energy. You literally can’t do anything to disconnect yourself from that beautiful, pure loving energy.
You have a choice. Either see yourself as God/Source sees you – pure love and light, or see yourself as your negative ego sees you – not worthy, not deserving.
The first is the choice that frees you, the other one is a choice to stay in excuse mode and get the payoffs for that excuse.
I know you want to be free, so don’t choose the excuse / payoff path, choose to believe the truth – you are worthy, you are deserving.
Since you have to choose one, choose to think, I Do Deserve, I Am Worthy.
Imagine the possibilities. . . .
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
One of my clients called the other day and asked me for some steps to keep her from getting stuck in Yuma. Since she’s been working with me for a while she had the framework that I outlined in the main article. I wanted you all to have the framework so you could put the steps to work in your life.
Happy Dreaming, Happy Achieving
If you want more information about the subject matter in the main article there are two brilliant books and a CD that are insightful and inspiring.
“The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer
“Ask and It’s Given” by Abraham-Hicks
Abraham-Hicks Kansas City 9/14/05 CD – single CD, about $15.
Available on their website:
Or you can call them to order it at 1-830-755-2299
These books and CD’s are uplifting, inspiring and powerful and provide the tools you’ll need to have a life of happiness, love, fulfillment and joy.
Keep believing, allowing and receiving!
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
Call me. You don't have to be stuck! And once you are unstuck you can be joyful and free again!
If you would like to explore working with me, please call me at 310-998-8860.
You can visit my website at:
You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.
Certified Life Coach
TO SUBSCRIBE to this e-zine:
FEEDBACK: Your feedback is always welcome and appreciated! Write me at firstname.lastname@example.org.