Do You Feel Badly About Yourself?
My last issue about “he’s just not that into you” generated so much great feedback that I want to continue with the topic.
i received a great question from one of my fabulous readers. She asked: Had I contradicted myself when I wrote in a previous ezine about men being afraid. Are they afraid of love and commitment or are they just not into you?
I wish there was one simple answer and there doesn’t seem to be. One thing I know is that most of us, at some point, are afraid of love. We’re afraid we’ll be hurt by love, that we aren’t lovable, attractive enough or that we have to settle because maybe no one else will love us. Men and women feel this.
What is also true is when men do fall in love is when the real fear kicks in.
But while they’re dating, it seems that men who aren’t interested just aren’t comfortable telling a woman they aren’t into her.
To give you some guidelines – when the man who stops calling after 5 dates, or stands you up, or constantly makes plans with his buddies, then I think it’s safe to say he’s not the right guy for you. I have seen so many women – and I’ve done it myself – hang on hoping he’ll call, or see how wonderful we are. If he doesn’t it’s okay. You’re still a goddess and your perfect man will be really into you.
Don’t waste your time if the man doesn’t see how fabulous you are. There are so many wonderful men and women in the world. Don’t give up hope.
And equally important, don’t feel badly about yourself because a man isn’t into you. Plenty of other men will be. Unless you go around feeling badly about yourself. That’s the fastest turn off, because your behavior and energy will reflect that feeling. Choose to love yourself regardless of how others feel.
So back to “fear” vs “not into” a woman:
My male friends and clients tell me when they love a woman they will move mountains. Now that doesn’t mean they aren’t afraid and that you will be spared the discomfort of dealing with their fear, just as they have to deal with yours.
Before we got married, my husband told me the thought of getting married made him break out in a cold sweat. Oh dear! And because I valued myself I asked if he wanted to call if off. “No, he was just scared.” Honor their fears.
Don’t give up hope. There is a perfect partner for you. It’s about choice. Choosing to have love in your life.
My favorite healer is a 75-year-old man who got married at 70 to a woman who is perfect for him. He’s eccentric and very gifted and she truly loves him and vice versa. I’m not saying you have to wait until you’re 70, but if he can find true love, so can you.
Men, and women too, get afraid when love gets close. But that’s when you’re going to grow, to overcome the fear of having your heart broken and losing your freedom.
And what a glorious experience true love is. Why else are we really here, living this life? It’s not about material things. It’s so we can feel and give love.
So don’t worry if the man you were dating didn’t turn out to be “the one.” Bless the Universe for sending him to you and look at what you learned. Then open your heart again, state your intention and love!
imagine the possibilities…
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
From Ellen a 36-year-old internal medicine doctor in Seattle, WA
Q: Carol, I’ve been divorced for 10 years now and I can’t quite bring myself to trust men again. My husband was mean, controlling, demeaning and I ended up feeling terrible about myself. I went to therapy for two years and I understand the reasons for everything and I feel better about myself. But I still can’t get out there and open up my heart. Help! I’m now 36 and I feel like it’s now or never.
A: Ellen, I’m so glad you did therapy after your marriage. What a difficult situation. And I think now is the time to open up and trust again.
One reminder – you’ll never make the same choice again and you will recognize the signs of an unhealthy man. And this time I know you’ll run fast when you spot them.
Make sure that you don’t choose a man for the wrong reasons – money, status, prestige. That is where so many women get into trouble. They stay long after they should leave because the man has something they think they want.
I know your finances are in order so you won’t choose for money or prestige.
So what will you choose? Ideally love, happiness, values, peace of mind, sense of humor, fun, enjoying doing things together, a healthy mind. A desire to grow in consciousness and the all important, never to be overlooked, heart connection.
So add to the list above. Write out exactly what you want and then get out in the world so he can find you. You’re not the same person you were at 26 and you won’t be a victim of an unhealthy man ever again.
Those kind of men look for women who will be their victims; those with low self-esteem, easily controlled and dominated and insecure. You are confident, happy, strong, courageous, secure and loving. That is what you will attract.
Trust yourself and the Divine Source to send you the man of your dreams!!!
There’s a wonderful book that has been around for a long time that I still recommend, “Journey of the Heart” by John Welwood.
In his chapter “Taming the Monsters” Welwood writes:
“ As we begin to move toward a deeper, more powerful man/ woman alliance in our relationships, many of us may come across a major obstacle: The wild male or female spirit in us may have been wounded or distorted in the course of our development. If a man’s spirit has been crushed (perhaps by his father’s abuse or his mother’s invasiveness) or malnourished (by his father’s neglect or failure to model strong male qualities), he will have a hard time finding and celebrating his genuine maleness or responding to the genuine femaleness in his partner. Or if a woman’s father bullied her or bound her to him, instead of providing safety and protection, or her mother failed to model feminine strength, she may grow up distrusting both male and female power, and this have a hard time feeling good being a woman in relation to men.”
He writes in a chapter entitled “Dancing on the Razor’s Edge”:
“The great paradox of love is that it calls on us to be fully ourselves and honor our individual truth, while also letting go of self-centeredness, and giving without holding back. If we go too far out of ourselves toward our partner, we start to lose ourselves, yet if we hold back and remain too self-contained, no deep contact is possible. If a relationship is to keep moving, we cannot get stuck in any one-sided position. From moment to moment, we must be able to stand our ground, yet also be able to let go and shift our perspective when the situation changes (often the very next moment!) We cannot cling to any secure, habitual stance – either separateness or togetherness, dependence or independence, attachment or detachment.”
“Thus being genuinely present and intimate with another person forces us to live on the edge of the unknown. Here we are also on our growing edge, where old, familiar ways of being leave off and new possibilities keep opening up before us.”
New relationships and many old relationships always bring new possibilities for us. Trust yourself and let your love out.
John Welwood has some valuable information to share with you in this book.
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
Call me. You don't have to be stuck! And once you are unstuck you can be joyful and free again!
If you would like to explore working with me, please call me at 310-998-8860.
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Certified Life Coach
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