“Avoid This Partner”
In preparation for my teleclass on “How to Attract Your Ideal Partner,” I thought I’d share with you a harmful partner choice – so you can avoid it.
There are lots of bad reasons for choosing a partner and one of the worst I’ve seen and coached on is choosing someone because you think it will increase your status. Men and women both fall victim to this harmful choice.
A woman thinks marrying a man who has a status in the community will in turn elevate her status. So she marries a doctor, lawyer, wealthy businessman or the son of a wealthy businessman.
The man marries a beautiful woman or a woman from a wealthy family and thinks it will increase his chances of success or acceptance.
This is a common choice – it happens all the time. I’m not saying don’t marry a wealthy, successful person. I am saying don’t do it to increase your status.
Why not? Because then it’s your ego making the choice and not your heart. And a partner chosen by the ego will bring you painful ego problems, like feeling inferior — the very thing you thought you were getting away from by your choice.
Let’s take the example of a woman who marries a man from a wealthy, successful family. Suppose she’s from a lower middle class family. All of a sudden she can take great vacations, buy an expensive car, wear designer clothes, flash gorgeous jewelry. I don’t know about you, but I see these women everywhere. Now I live in LA, but I see them in San Diego, Washington DC, Nantucket, Hawaii, Mexico, everywhere. You can’t miss them.
Here’s the problem. This woman, we’ll call her Beth, married this man to increase her status, which means her ego chose.And because she needs to flaunt her newfound wealth, she still doesn’t feel very good about herself at her core. She looked to the man to “elevate” her from her previous lifestyle, thus her “ego” choice.
Beth had self-esteem issues and thinks now that she’s married, they’re gone. On one level they may be, that is until there is a problem.
Let’s suppose the man develops an interest in another woman. What happens to Beth? Has she worked on herself to really love, admire and respect herself? No. She used another person’s status to make a status statement about her. A false statement. An ego statement. So when she has to look, she finds she doesn’t value herself. She wasn’t elevated at all. It was a facade.
Too often the Beths of the world find this out when they realize they are miserable. They didn’t marry the man that made their heart sing, or that filled them with butterflies. They married who they thought was the best choice for them on paper, and maybe ultimately their children.
But I can tell you that those partnerships usually result in people being miserable. Children want to grow up with love, and as adults, I know you want love too.
So don’t let your ego choose your partner – choose from your heart. You’ll know which part of you is choosing. Don’t fool yourself. Status doesn’t fill your heart and soul, it feeds your ego. It’s an empty choice.
Choose to love madly, wildly, passionately from the depths of your heart!
imagine the possibilities…
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
Today’s question is from Emily, a 33-year-old interior designer from Atlanta:
Q: Carol, after my last boyfriend broke up with me I went into hiding. I felt so terrible about myself. I’m just now feeling better, and want to not make the same mistake again. Let me tell you about him so you can maybe help me see what I did wrong.
Mike is my age, from a good family, a manager at a big corporation with a promising future; he had lots of friends and was the life of the party. People loved him. I felt so fortunate that he chose me because all the girls I knew thought he was a great catch. On paper he looked like a great catch.
But after about six months of dating him, I began to not feel so good about myself. I started to feel really insecure. I’ve never been overly secure, but I’ve also never been miserably insecure.
He began to always criticize me. It was over little things at first – like my clothes, or my hair, then it was about my friends, or my family, and finally about things I said. I ended up feeling miserable and didn’t like myself. I don’t want to do that again. Help. How can I avoid the Mikes of the world?
A: First Emily I am so sorry that you had that experience. Mike was definitely not your ideal partner. And yet, maybe briefly he was. A person who looks good on paper is not a good enough reason to be your partner.
How you feel when you are with that person is the best reason. The only thing you did “wrong”– and it’s not your fault – was you didn’t know how to recognize the signs.
Men or women, who are controlling and manipulative will start small and if they get away with it, then they will escalate. By the way, if you hadn’t let Mike get away with it in the beginning, he would have moved on. He had to. He had to make someone else feel worse than he was feeling about himself. I’m not a therapist, but behavior, and how you feel with that person are big clues.
When someone criticizes you, stop and tell them how you would like to hear a “constructive thought.” If he doesn’t stop it, drop him. Run as fast as you can. He’ll start small and escalate. If you don’t get away, you will end up feeling badly about yourself.
So next time, don’t look at what’s on paper, look to see how your heart feels. Don’t worry, you won’t have this experience again as long as you pay attention to your heart.
I would like you to start taking yoga – Kundalini is great for an open and wise heart. Let your body flow, open your heart and breathe again.
Emily you will attract your perfect partner. Come to the class next Tuesday and find out how. Just know that you are a precious child of the Universe and love is waiting for you.
One of my incredible clients sent me a fabulous book a few weeks ago. I’ve absolutely loved it. I put some lovely music on, pour a cup of hot tea and curl up and read a chapter every morning. It’s such a lovely way to start my day.
The book – “Walking Through Walls” by Dr. Lee Jampolsky is subtitled, “Practical Spirituality for an Impractical World.”
The chapters Honesty, Tolerance, Gentleness, Joy, Defenselessness, Generosity, Patience and Open-Mindedness all build on each other and offer you practical and spiritual guidance to understanding and implementing these important principles into your life.
In his chapter on Joy, he offers this wisdom: “Holding onto a painful past is how you create a negative vision for your future. A joy-inspired vision awaits you in the eternal present moment. Forgiveness is how you arrive in the eternal present moment.”
In the chapter on Generosity he shares some wisdom from Mother Teresa:
“Listen from the silence of your heart, speak from the fullness of your heart.
The joy of loving is always between two. It begins with two, and grows from there.
If we have a clean heart we can see, we can understand, and we can accept each other in the gift of love.
The same love that created you also created me.
Our purpose is to help each other to know, to hear, and to love.
You are precious and you are loved tenderly.
If we believe, that’s the beginning of love, is it not? Faith is always love, always.”
A lovely and important book!
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
Call me. You don't have to be stuck! And once you are unstuck you can be joyful and free again!
If you would like to explore working with me, please call me at 310-998-8860.
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Certified Life Coach
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