“Are You Playing Safe?” Part 2
Due to the response from the last ezine, I thought it was important to continue on with this topic.
As a reminder, playing it safe is what people do when they don’t want to risk getting hurt, or being seen, or falling down, or appearing silly or incompetent.
You know what I’m talking about – because we have all done it.
Let’s look at playing it safe in relationships.
We know now that we have to quiet the Gremlin and take care of the inner child in order to stop playing it safe. We went into that in the last issue.
HOW DO YOU PLAY SAFE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
What do we want in relationships? TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
The first way people play safe is by withholding love.
But we want to love and be loved. Yet we have withheld love, in order to protect ourselves. The cost is horrendous – loss of love, joy, fun, intimacy, connection, growth, fulfillment, purpose. The list of costs goes on and on.
Is the safety worth the cost? Well, the Gremlin will tell you it is. The Gremlin’s job is to maintain the status quo, to keep you safe. Actually keeping you STUCK.
A woman I know, I’ll call her Josie, was in a relationship with a wonderful man. He was smart, fun, kind, deep, se*y and smart. Yet she wouldn’t risk giving him all her love.
She had a lot of excuses – he’s too nice, he’s not my type, he’s 7 years older, etc. And when she finally got through all her excuses, what was left was her fear that he would leave her, be mean to her, criticize her or ignore her.
As the months went by Josie’s Gremlin really reared his ugly head. He kept telling her all the reasons she shouldn’t trust this man.
So listening to the Gremlin, instead of her higher self, she withheld her love for him. All in an attempt to protect herself. And guess what, he left. He wanted to feel the love he knew she had shown him in the past.
At this point Josie started coaching with me and she quickly realized that playing it safe had caused her to push him away so she wouldn’t get hurt. Although at first she tried to convince herself that he left on his own. Through our coaching work, she was able to see that she had prompted him to leave.
Her fear had caused her to play it safe and had created the very thing she wanted to avoid.
Playing it safe actually creates the very scenario you are trying to avoid.
WHAT WE WANT
We want to have wild and free relationships. We want to be loved, cherished, and valued. We want to love and be loved!
Ask yourself, do you love your partner, boyfriend, spouse? Do you pull out all the stops and risk loving so fully and so completely that you radiate love from the depths of your being?
Do you love so deeply, passionately and honestly that the other person is blown away by that love? And can’t resist it, even though they may be afraid too.
And if they do resist your love, well, keep on loving. Don’t pull back because the other person is scared. The people that want your love and want to give you their love are out there, waiting. Keep loving and you will draw them to you.
We all cry out for unconditional love — it’s what we deeply long for in our hearts and souls.
For the sake of your soul, for the sake of your heart, let yourself commit to loving from the depths of your being. You want to feel it, so give it.
Stop playing safe and losing out. The costs are too high and not worth it.
If you only had a year to live would you withhold love? NO!!
Do you want to end your life saying – well at least I never got hurt?
Don’t all of us want to end our life saying, “I’m so glad I let myself feel every ounce of love I was capable of? I’m so thankful that I didn’t let my fear stop me from the magnificence of love.”
“When I die the world will be silent about me,
Keeping behind only one word: ‘I have loved.’ ”
Epitaph by Rabindranath Tagore
I’ve had an amazing experience of unconditional love and I know I received that miracle so I could know how much more love I could feel and give.
You are gods and goddesses. Choose to love all. Choose to set yourself free and love. You are longing to love. Let love fill you until it overflows to all.
imagine the possibilities…..
I LOVE YOU
© Carol Chanel
Q & A
TQ: Linda, a 48-year-old executive director from Houston TX asks:
Q:“My husband and I have been married for 8 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. I know how lucky I am to have him. He loves me very much and treats me well. However, I am growing very unhappy in our relationship.
He wants to be with me all the time. He seems very insecure when I’m not
around. He even takes time off his job to be home if I get an extra day off. I need time to myself or with my friends and cannot get it. I have started sneaking around to be alone for a couple of hours here and there. I have talked with him about it before and it’s not changing. It’s so bad that I have thought about leaving.
How can I get some breathing space?”
A: Linda I know how much you love your husband don’t want to hurt him.
And I know he has to be feeling your pulling back. It might even be contributing to him then feeling even more insecure.
Sometimes when men get like this they’ve had a bad experience in their lives. Either their mother abandoned them, or their first girlfriend or wife left them. Or maybe his first wife accused him of not spending enough time with her and he’s trying to change.
Whatever is going on with him, it’s something he needs to work on.
Here’s what I would recommend for you: DRAW AND HOLD STRONG BOUNDARIES.
I’m going to request that you talk to him and I want to guide you to set the tone and space first.
When talking to a man about such a sensitive subject, you want to create a safe and courageous space for him. So no judgment, anger, frustration. Get all that out of your system first.
Then create a compassionate yet strong place in your heart and speak from there.
You need to tell him that you love him and that you also need some alone time. All souls need it.
Ask him – gently – if something is concerning him. Tell him you’ve noticed that he seems to want to be with you all the time. Ask him why that is important for him.
Then explain, again, that you need your space.
I want you to have actual “Linda times” that are yours no matter what. Tell him that you will honor that for him too. Or honor whatever he needs. You need to get his agreement to this. He needs to honor your boundaries.
This is a compromise. He also needs to know how strongly you feel about your space and time alone. Explain it to him lovingly.
Then set up your alone times and stick to it. If he wants to take the day off from work tell him that’s not your agreement. And then plan to take a day off with him and do something together.
Linda, set your boundaries from a place of love, compassion and strength and then you can be happy again.
Two fabulous, powerful books or tapes are:
“A Return to Love” and “Enchanted Love” both by Marianne Williamson.
Marianne took the Course in Miracles and expanded on it. It is a brilliant course.
While I am an avid reader I love to hear Marianne read her books. She has such a fabulous way of telling you a story. Pure enchantment and great information.
Here are two quotes from “Enchanted Love”:
“Enchanted partnership begins with the conscious understanding, on the part of two people, that the purpose of their relationship is not so much material as spiritual, and the internal skills demanded by it are prodigious.”
“High romance is not about past or future. It is not about practicality. It is not about society or world routines. It is an audacious ride to the center of what is, at the heart of every person. It is a bold and masterful inquiry into what two people really are and how we might become, while still on earth, the angels who reside within us.”
Who isn’t longing for an enchanted relationship?!!
I teach people to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?
Call me. You don't have to be stuck! And once you are unstuck you can be joyful and free again!
If you would like to explore working with me, please call me at 310-998-8860.
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You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.
Certified Life Coach
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